Bet They Kick Ass at Wii's "Sports Pack"

Pro golfer Greg Norman and tennis legend Chris Evert to marry. The couple appears to be registered at the local Sports Chalet. Even money he buys her a tennis bracelet.

My Acute Myocardial Infarction

What is a "heart attack," Alex?

Food Network to Cancel "Emeril Live"

"DAMN!"

Google Search Term "Prenup" Hits All-Time High

The Associated Press is reporting that Google Inc. co-founder Larry Page, whose stake in the company makes him worth approximately $20 billion, is tying the knot next month. The company's other founder, Sergey Brin, married six months ago.

Hilton "Medical Condition" Explains DUI

Celebutante Paris Hilton, whose is in jail/out of jail shenanigans took a particularly tabloid turn when she was released from custody after just three days for undisclosed "medical reasons."
Several sources tell the Riff the medical condition is claustrophobia -- which finally explains why she felt the need to drink before getting behind the wheel of her car in the first place.

Mystery Man Comes Between Larry/Laurie David

The sudden announcement that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" creator Larry David and his wife, NRDC trustee and environmental activist Laurie David, have called it quits after 14 years of marriage has led to speculations that other parties may be involved.
The Riff has recently come into possession of photographic evidence that a third party has indeed come between the Hollywood power couple.
The identity of the person, visible between the two at an NRDC event in an AP photo taken last year, is unknown but rumors are circulating that it may be the former stunt double of "SNL" alum Dan Aykroyd who has not been seen in public since the premiere of "Doctor Detroit."
Any information regarding the mystery man should be directed to the Riff.

Hookah-Smoking Caterpillar vs. Joe Camel

According to a report released by the World health Organization today, water-pipe use may pose the same health risks as cigarette smoking.
In addition to tobacco, hookahs, bongs and various other water pipe devices have long been used to smoke marijuana, tests on the dangers of smoking that drug through a water pipe have not been able to be determined because the WHO researchers became "incredibly stoned" according to unpublished reports, and spent the rest of the day trying to dig the Keebler elves out of a miniature tree in the research facility's lobby.

Out Out Damn Trout

I've discovered something fishy about our new house. I suspected walleye but on closer examination it turns out to be a trout. I think it may be attracted to the wormwood but my wife points out it is a rainbow trout so it's probably house flies.

Ban the Burger (Future) King!

(TWO HOURS AGO) The eventual heir to the British monarchy has caused a royal row by suggesting that McDonald's be banned.
Prince Charles made the comment during a visit to the United Arab Emirates where he said outlawing the Oakbrook, Illinois-based fast-food giant would be "key" to improving the diet of his country's people, which before the arrival of sandwiches such as Big Mac and McRib, consisted of such healthy fare as fish and chips, blood pudding, clotted cream and gravy-laden Yorkshire pudding.
To replace the golden arches in the U.K., the prince is launching a healthy fast-food franchise called Burger Queen's in honor of his mother Queen Elizabeth II. The signature entrees will be a variety of salad bowls filled with a diner's choice of flax seed, raw vegetables and tofu. The prince said they would be listed o the menu as "Camilla Parker Bowls."

Paging Steve Guttenberg

Is it just me, or is this whole Anna Nicole baby-daddy thing a Bizarro-world parody of "Three Men and a Baby"? If you squint at the movie poster you can almost imagine legal eagle turned grieving companion Howard K. Stern channeled by the affable Steve Guttenberg.
If I were casting the remake I might swap out Tom Selleck for Jared Leto (or, better yet, Jay Mohr) to play Larry Birkhead, and convince Danson to lay off the Grecian Formula for a few weeks to more closely resemble third potential poppa Prince Frederick von Anhalt.
"They changed her diapers, she changed their lives." Indeed.
Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince von Anhalt holding Dannnielynn Hope Marshall Stern (left).

The Astronaut's Wife

What's better on a slow news day than a can of pepper spray, a BB gun and an adulterous astronaut wearing Depends? I'm not talking about the lame 1999 Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron flick, I'm talking about an honest-to-goodness astro-nut.
According to the Riff's sources, the space cadet in question, Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, went into orbit during a recent shuttle mission when fellow space cowboy, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, held his hand over the space shuttle port hole and told Nowak he had a present for her. According to court records, when Oefelein moved his hand to reveal the earth below, Nowak "felt weightless."
"I was just kidding around," Oefelein told the Riff. "And she took it seriously." Nowak apparently became obsessed with her fellow astronaut to the point that she attempted to abduct his girlfriend Colleen Shipman.
"In retrospect, it would have been a smarter idea to just sit home and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon over and over again," Nowak told the Riff.