Monday, July 31, 2006

So Now We Know It's Actually Pronounced "Melibu"

Mel Gibson's DUI arrest early Friday morning, chronicled in depth by, revealed that the coastal enclave of Malibu, Calif., is actually the personal property of the "Braveheart" director.
The "Tequila Sunrise" actor was stopped early in the morning for speeding through Malibu with a bottle of tequila in the car and a BAC of .12. In short, the star of "Man Without a Face" was faced.
In his report, arresting officer, L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee smelled alcohol in the car state, in part, "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." He also said the "Chicken Run" voice-over star attempted to flee back to his car during the arrest.
We eagerly await a settlement between the deputy and the "Payback" star, most likely in the form of a bio-pic of the officer (we can only hope for something along the lines of "Stand By Mee").

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Bible's Lost "Book of Peat" Discovered in Irish Bog

By Pete Boggs
Connemara, Ireland — An ancient book of psalms was found buried in a peat bog in Ireland it was reported yesterday. Believed to have been written by monks between 800 and 1,000 A.D., the discovery was made by an American tourist obsessed with Ireland's traditional harvesting of peat for fuel. Adam Tschorn, visiting Ireland for a wedding, discovered the leather-bound vellum book after bounding into a bog and grabbing two handfuls of drying peat for a photo op.
"There I was -- outstanding in my field as usual," joked Tschorn, "when all of a sudden I felt something in my right hand." Tschorn said he took the discovery as a sign from God whom he had suspected for months had been trying to send him a message. "I guess if the man upstairs wants to get your attention he can bury a book in a bog and wait for you to stumble across it." Tschorn said he would change his life as a result of the discovery, vowing to do "um, you know, something meaningful like write a book or a screenplay or learn to play the cello."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Richard Hatch to Star in "Survivor: Oklahoma City"

HOLLYWOOD — Richard Hatch, known to scores of TV viewers as "the fat, naked guy" who won the first season of "Survivor" is headed to the slammer according to Associated Press reports. The Newport, R.I. resident will serve a 51-month term at the Federal Transfer Center in Oklahoma City for lying in court about income he won from the show.
According to sources, the wily and resourceful reality-show contestant is looking forward to his first immunity challenge -- the cellblock wedding to "Frida" -- a three-time lifer with a penchant for Pall Malls.
The season will begin taping for a dual run on CBS and Court TV channel as soon as "Survivor" host Jeff Probst can get arrested in this town. -- A.T.