After receiving his annual physical at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., it was reported that President Bush had gained a little over four pounds in the last year. Though hardly a matter of national security, the mysterious weight gain of our jogging, bike-riding, brush-clearing 196-pound commander-in-chief has been the source of much speculation.
Speculate no more! The Riff has been granted exclusive access to the president's confidential health records which list the component parts of the president's the excess baggage:
Weight of "Jeb in '08" button in left pocket - .5 ounces.
Weight of word-a-day pocket calendar in right breast pocket -- 3 ounces
Weight of yellow "Live Strong" bracelet on right wrist -- .5 ounce
Weight of massage oil (1 tube) with attached handwritten note to "A. Merkel" - 1 ounce
Weight of guilt over getting country into war under false pretenses - 3 pounds 11 ounces*
* Doctor's handwritten note advises president that this weight may either increase with time or cause a layer of callus to accumulate around his heart.