Watch Out for the Iceberg, Slim

According to recent news reports, 'twas not the green onions but the lettuce that was responsible for the recent E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell.

Iraq Insurgency Apparently No Longer a Laughing Matter

[One minute ago] -- Walid Hassan, a comedian who had appeared on Al-Sharqiyah TV's "Caricature" show, which mocks coalition forces, insurgents, militias and Iraq's government, was shot dead by insurgents while driving his car in western Baghdad today the AP reports.
"No more funny business, I guess," said White House spokesman Tony Snow when asked about the impact of the actor and comedian's death.

The Hunt for White October

According to an AP report, the DEA and Costa Rican officials have intercepted a 50-foot homemade submarine packed with 3 tons of cocaine off Costa Rica's Pacific coast. The DEA would not release the names of the men taken into custody, but sources close to the investigation claim they are four British nationals known by the code names" "John," "Paul," George and "Ringo."
" We pulled the submarine over on Friday approximately 103 miles off the coast of Cabo Blanco in an area we call the Octopus's Garden," said Costa Rican Security Minister Fernando Berrocal. "For doing 100 knots in a 20 knot zone."
"The crew was acting real strange," said Berrocal. "One guy asked me if I wanted a revolution, and two seconds later the next guy asked me if I wanted to know a secret. Then the third one said all I needed was love. When the fourth fellow said he wanted to go back to the U.S.S.R. I became suspicious and placed them all under arrest."
Berrocal said authorities were still on the lookout for accomplices named by the crew including one Eleanor Rigby and a Sgt. Pepper. "That last one worries me," Berrocal told the Riff. "It suggests a contact within the military. But we'll break up this cartel with a little help from our friends."

Martha Stewart Grabs Guest's Nuts On Live TV

Let the "Babyshambles" Jokes Begin

AFR reports that British supermodel and on-screen consumer of Peruvian marching powder Kate Moss is pregnant by smack-shooting rehab-hopping Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. Rumors began to fly that the two would also be marrying soon when it was reported that the couple was spotted "shopping for a big rock" in the alleyways of London's tony Knightsbridge neighborhood.
When confronted, Doherty claimed he was simply trying to give Moss the "white wedding she often grinds her teeth and talks about." The couple will reportedly honeymoon in either Colombia or Afghanistan depending on laxity of local enforcement and seasonal harvest purity.

Actor to Legally Change Name to Wal-Mart Valderrama

In a bid to reach the widest possible demographic, the world's largest retailer, Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart has announced that it has secured naming rights to That '70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama who will be required to legally change his name to "Wal-Mart Valderrama" for the duration of the six-year contract.
In return, the Miami-born actor, who parlayed a role as foreign-exchange student Fez into a stint as Lindsay Lohan's boy-toy, will receive a lump-sum payment of $19 million and avoid a shame-spiral straight into the "where are they now?" files while he awaits such career-validating performances on the big screen as "security guard" in Unaccompanied Minors and Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen version of CHiPs.

Global Warming Is So Hot Right Now

No story here, just a funny headline that makes me feel like a copywriter for Kenneth Cole ads. I know, I know — I'm not the forst one to come up with it (I can Google too ...).

Wrigley Gives Wall Street Something to Chew On

Reuters reports that gum maker Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. named a non-Wrigley as president and chief executive officer for the first time in the company's history, surprising investors and sending stock prices up. The new man at the helm is former Nike Inc. CEO William Perez. "I feel like the chewing gum industry and footwear business share a common sole," Perez told business reporters after the announcement. "We've stuck together through thick and thin and scraped by as needed."
According to industry insiders, Perez' compensation package includes use of the nickname "Big Red" at company functions as well as custody of the Doublemint twins.

Group Outraged Over Endangered Mexican Gardeners

MALIBU, Calif.--A group calling itself the Malibu Residents for Affordable Landscaping held a protest here last week in response to a report that characterized the Mexican gardener -- considered a linchpin of the 'Bu aesthetic -- as a nearly extinct creature that required designation as an endangered species.
"They'll have to pry our gardeners' cold, dead hands from their long-handled rakes," said Chauncey Billups a Hollywood extra protesting on behalf of longtime Malibu Colony resident actor Michael Rappaport. When the crowd of 20 mostly unemployed Hollywood grips, gameshow writers and seat-fillers was informed that it was actually a Mexican garter snake that was endangered and not the immigrant workforce, they immediately dropped their picket signs and headed to a nearby Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a round of hard-earned Ice Blendeds.

Legless Muppets Teach Afghan Kids Land Mine Safety

The Christian Science Monitor reports that two of Jim Henson's original muppet-making team have joined forces with charities to educate Afghani children on the dangers of land mines strewn across the war torn landscape.
The original intent was to use the puppet/marionette hybrids in a story called "The Little Carpet Boy" — based loosely on the story of Pinocchio — but as the muppeteers unpacked their props in front of crowd of small children in downtown Kabul, it became clear that no storyline was needed.
"All of a sudden there was this god-awful wail," said Dan Jenks who voices Khalid the carpet boy and Elmer the Humvee driver. "And when I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of little brown faces with these wide, wide eyes." Jenks said the children were scared by the sight of the legless muppets lying on the ground.
"It freaked 'em out pretty hard so I seized the opportunity," Jenks said. "I told 'em they lost the legs because they didn't watch where they were going. Boy they turned greener than Kermit on a merry-go-round."
Jeanette Procopio, who voices the Ingrid the Red Cross nurse, Condi Rice and Heather Mills puppets, said she thought teaching life lessons through puppetry would be more difficult. "But these kids really seem to be taking the message to heart."

Watch Adam Beat the Pants Off Rummy

This personalized Levi's ad was part of my "research" for work -- and yeah, I guess the viral video thing works. If nothing else, it'll teach the Sec Def not to get all up on my 501s!

Airport Security Balks at "Harry" Reams

J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series, was reportedly in a dust-up with TSA officials in New York City over whether or not she could bring the manuscript to her latest book on board as carry-on luggage.
While Rowling characterized the incident as over-reaction to recent terrorist threats, TSA spokesman Dan Ketterling told reporters the manuscript was simply too large to fit in the overhead compartment or securely under the seat.
"The document in question was approximately four reams of 81/2 by 11-inch paper," said Ketterling. "For those of you unfamiliar with this archaic slighlty dirty sounding term, a ream is 20 quires of paper -- or approximately 500 sheets, making the entire manuscript - which I'm told is actually only half written -- about 2,000 pages."
Rowling said that if she was not allowed to board with her "Harry" reams, she would be forced to fire up her trusty Nimbus 3000 (pictured).
"She was a bit of a witch about the whole thing," Ketterling commented.

Astronomers Discover "Puffy" Planet in Celestial Nightclub

According to the Associated Press, astronomers have discovered what's being described as a "puffy planet" -- the largest and least dense such body discovered outside our solar system. Previously thought to be a star in the J. Lo system, scientists describe the planet as having a surface littered with bright rocks and an interior composed primarily of Cristal. "It has one very unique characteristic," said Dr. Asif Syed of the International Astronomer's Union. "That's a closely orbiting moon which casts a penumbra over the planet's surface, keeping it cool all year long." Syed said the IAU has dubbed the satellite "Farnsworth."
Shortly after the discovery, a rep for the planet announced to the media that the celestial body preferred to be known simply as "Diddy."

Rice Urges Sudan to Accept UN Force by "Relaxing and Thinking of Baseball"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today urged Sudan "in the strongest possible terms" to let U.N. enter its troubled Darfur region. A source in the office of Sudan's Foreign Minister Lam Akol told reporters that Rice suggested that "a few stiff drinks" might make it seem like a more appealing proposition.
"Then she said if that didn't work then the best thing Sudan could do is simply drop her defenses and take like a soverign nation because the U.N. was entering the region one way or the other. Then she mumbled something about leaning back and thinking about baseball."
In a White House press conference today, Rice denied ever making such a threat but said the U.N. would be justified in any attempt to enter the country.
"We all agree that under the right economic conditions it's got a rather attractive border," she said. "And let's face it, Sudan is practically begging for a little cross-border action. No wonder there's been such an intense build up of international pressure."
A full transcript of Rice's speech will be aired later tonight on the country's Khartoum Network

Why Diddy Do it? Combs U.K. Moniker Gone in a Puffy

Apparently two Diddys in the United Kingdom is one Diddy too many. The many-nicknamed rapper, producer and fashion mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has settled a British court case by agreeing not to use his most recent sobriquet in England.
The settlement with London-based music producer Richard "Diddy" Dearlove prevents Combs from using the name for commerical activities in that country. Luckily Combs has a deep bench of alternative names to draw on and has told the Associated Press he may even take the opportunity to create some new ones from scratch specifically for the U.K. Sources close to Combs' camp have leaked the following short list:
Sean Féin
Sir Cumference
£
The Thin Black Duke
Stang
Baron Down
Tony Flair
Whiggy
Ozkar 2Wild
The Aristo-Cat
Bartleby
Dane
Pierced Brosnan
Lord E
Crown Royal

Desire for a Little In-N-Out Burns Paris Hilton

Celebutante Paris Hilton was busted for DUI early this morning after driving erratically in Hollywood. According to published reports, the socialite, who in the past has appeared in TV ads wrapping her lips around a juicy Carl's Jr. burger, had poured a single margarita down her throat before climbing behind the wheel in pursuit of an In-N-Out burger.
Sources close to incident say that shortly after Hilton blew into a Breathalyzer at the scene of the traffic stop, a spokesman for the Breathalyzer announced plans to sell videos of the late-night encounter via the Internet.

Rumsfeld Apparently Not Using Head or Shoulders

WASHINGTON, DC -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday to repair a torn rotator cuff, a result of consistent and repetitive shrugging off of war-related criticism, said his doctors.
"Look, the man's 74," said Dr. Ellis Danvers who operated on Rumsfeld's left shoulder at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington. "And he's been shouldering the blame on this Iraq thing for quite a long time." The U.S. General Accounting Office placed the overall cost of Rumsfeld's repeated deflection of criticism at nearly $44 billion. "And counting," said Danvers. "I hope he's enrolled in the revised Medicare prescription drug coverage plan because this is going to take along time to heal."

Crocodile Hunter's Death: Stingray or Red Herring?

Too bad about that crocodile hunter's getting killed. They say it was a fluke, but, having read the story closely four times now, I still contend it was the stingray. -- Tom Quinn
Note: The Riff will include riffed-from-the-headline guest editorials when they are deemed funnier than anything he could come up with. Thanks TQ.

New TSA Rules Result in Banning Half of Each Passenger

The TSA's new rules that prohibit bringing liquids on board commercial airline flights has had the unintended result of banning most of each passenger.
"It has come to our attention that the average human body is 50 to 65 percent water," said Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "That's roughly 45 quarts of contraband."
According to the Boston Globe, men are more watery than women (60 to 65 percent water as opposed to 50 to 60 percent) while infants top out at around 70 percent. "That practically makes them little dirty bombs," Chertoff said in a recent meeting with officials at LAX.
Since human blood is 83 percent water, bones are 22 percent water and muscle is 75 percent water, Chertoff said he didn't think there was any efficient way - short of cremation - to separate the liquids from the solids. "And if we do that, the terrorists really have won."
Gunther von Hagens, the German anatomist and creator of the Body Worlds exhibit has offered his plastination process -- which replaces all water in the human body with silicone -- free of charge. "This will render the passenger completely liquid-free," von Hagens told the Riff. "But still completely life like."

Star Trek Convention to Draw Thousands ...

... of single people.

Liqui-Gel Industry Hardest Hit By New Airline Restrictions

The worldwide airline restrictions banning liquids and gels from carry-on luggage in the aftermath of a foiled terrorist attempt yesterday, has had a doubly devastating affect on the liqui-gel industry, pushing Wyeth Consumer Healthcare, maker of Advil Liqui-Gel headache medication, Allergan the manufacturer of Refresh Liquigel Eye Drops and Gas-X, which makes a gas-relief liquigel, to the edge of bankruptcy.
"We'll just have to go back to the drawing board," said Stan Bevins, an spokesman for the Gelatinous-Liquid Industry Board (GLIB), which represents the makers of such products. "If we can't find a way to alleviate migraines, moisten eyes and prevent flatulence at 35,000 feet, then the terrorists really have won."

Robin Williams Enters Rehab for Alcohol Abuse

In other entertainment news, Mel Gibson announces his next project will be a remake of "Patch Adams."

'Mysterious' Bush Weight Gain Explained

After receiving his annual physical at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., it was reported that President Bush had gained a little over four pounds in the last year. Though hardly a matter of national security, the mysterious weight gain of our jogging, bike-riding, brush-clearing 196-pound commander-in-chief has been the source of much speculation.
Speculate no more! The Riff has been granted exclusive access to the president's confidential health records which list the component parts of the president's the excess baggage:

Weight of "Jeb in '08" button in left pocket - .5 ounces.
Weight of word-a-day pocket calendar in right breast pocket -- 3 ounces
Weight of yellow "Live Strong" bracelet on right wrist -- .5 ounce
Weight of massage oil (1 tube) with attached handwritten note to "A. Merkel" - 1 ounce
Weight of guilt over getting country into war under false pretenses - 3 pounds 11 ounces*

* Doctor's handwritten note advises president that this weight may either increase with time or cause a layer of callus to accumulate around his heart.

Band "Elastic Loaves" Forced to Sue Iran for Trademark Infringement

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural organizations to use Persian words and phrases in place of foreign ones it was recently reported.
The most commonly cited example of the last news cycle was the use of the phrase "elastic loaves" to replace the word "pizza."
The peculiar word choice has had an unintended effect on a Brockport, New York, psychedelic muscial concern which has performed as "The Elastic Loaves" for the last 40 years. "Our site's been getting hits like crazy," said theremin player Derek "Cully" Cullinan. "We have attracted this amount of attention since we released our debut album 'Roadkill/Landfill' in '65."
Despite the media attention, Cullinan says he and 39 of the 41 members of the musical collective have decided to sue Iran for trademark infringement. "It doesn't seem right that we've kneaded the dough and let it rise all these years and this guy Sinbad comes in and punches it down." Cullian said the conch shell player and didgeridooist have opted out, electing to pursue legal action separately.
Barring a prohibition on Iran's use of the term, the Elastic Loaves hope a monetary settlement wil allow them to release their second album sometime next year. "But by then we may have to call ourselves 'Pizza'," mused Cullinan.

So Now We Know It's Actually Pronounced "Melibu"

Mel Gibson's DUI arrest early Friday morning, chronicled in depth by TMZ.com, revealed that the coastal enclave of Malibu, Calif., is actually the personal property of the "Braveheart" director.
The "Tequila Sunrise" actor was stopped early in the morning for speeding through Malibu with a bottle of tequila in the car and a BAC of .12. In short, the star of "Man Without a Face" was faced.
In his report, arresting officer, L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee smelled alcohol in the car state, in part, "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." He also said the "Chicken Run" voice-over star attempted to flee back to his car during the arrest.
We eagerly await a settlement between the deputy and the "Payback" star, most likely in the form of a bio-pic of the officer (we can only hope for something along the lines of "Stand By Mee").

Bible's Lost "Book of Peat" Discovered in Irish Bog

By Pete Boggs
Connemara, Ireland — An ancient book of psalms was found buried in a peat bog in Ireland it was reported yesterday. Believed to have been written by monks between 800 and 1,000 A.D., the discovery was made by an American tourist obsessed with Ireland's traditional harvesting of peat for fuel. Adam Tschorn, visiting Ireland for a wedding, discovered the leather-bound vellum book after bounding into a bog and grabbing two handfuls of drying peat for a photo op.
"There I was -- outstanding in my field as usual," joked Tschorn, "when all of a sudden I felt something in my right hand." Tschorn said he took the discovery as a sign from God whom he had suspected for months had been trying to send him a message. "I guess if the man upstairs wants to get your attention he can bury a book in a bog and wait for you to stumble across it." Tschorn said he would change his life as a result of the discovery, vowing to do "um, you know, something meaningful like write a book or a screenplay or learn to play the cello."

Richard Hatch to Star in "Survivor: Oklahoma City"

HOLLYWOOD — Richard Hatch, known to scores of TV viewers as "the fat, naked guy" who won the first season of "Survivor" is headed to the slammer according to Associated Press reports. The Newport, R.I. resident will serve a 51-month term at the Federal Transfer Center in Oklahoma City for lying in court about income he won from the show.
According to sources, the wily and resourceful reality-show contestant is looking forward to his first immunity challenge -- the cellblock wedding to "Frida" -- a three-time lifer with a penchant for Pall Malls.
The season will begin taping for a dual run on CBS and Court TV channel as soon as "Survivor" host Jeff Probst can get arrested in this town. -- A.T.

I'll Have a Fat-Frehley Latte and a Gene Cinnamons Bun

Face-paint-wearing 70's rock quartet KISS opened a coffee shop in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, on Wednesday, and told the approximately 2,000 fans gathered at the Kiss Cafe plans were underway for additional doors across the country.
The menu offers drinks with names like Kiss Frozen Rockuccino, French Kiss Vanilla and Demon Dark Roast. Baristas will reportedly be kitted out in full KISS Army regalia and makeup allowing them to work in virtual anonymity and afford customers the unique exeperience of getting their first cup of coffee of the day from either a demon, a starchild, a spaceman, or a cat.
No word if beverages will be served "Hotter Than Hell" in honor of the band's 1974 sophomore album.

Playing in the NBA No Longer Requires Leather Balls

Reuters reports that the National Basketball Association his foregoing the traditional eight-panel leather ball in favor of a "proprietary microfiber material" that will allow a better grip and the quicker evaporation of sweat. The ball will be made by Russell Corporation's Spalding division.
In related news, Shelton, Conn.-based Wiffle Ball Inc. has announced it will no longer use the skin of the endangered Madagascan wiffle as the covering on its popular wiffle ball, switching to a white plastic material that will be, in the words of a company spokesman, "virtually identical."

Arizona to Vote on Official State Language

The Associated Press reports that Arizona lawmakers are currently considering legislation that would establish English as the "official" state language. It continues a proud tradition of such designations that include the bolo tie (the official state neckwear), petrified wood (the official state fossil) the bigot (the official state mammal) and xenophobia (the official state fear).
No word yet on what the state plans to do about the name "Arizona" itself which historians and etymologists say is most likely derived from one of three foreign tongues — the Aztec Indian "arizuma" (silver-bearing"), the Tohono O'odham Indian "aleh-zone" (small spring") or Pima "ali shonak" (which also means "small spring").

Would You Rather Go to War or Church?

The same day the Episcopal Church rejected a ban on the ordination of gay bishops, it was revealed that the Pentagon continues to classify homosexuality as a mental disorder.

Drug Users Warned of Tainted Heroin

According to this breaking news from Reuters, sticking a syringe full of China White into your forearm can apparently kill you. Good to know. I'm sure junkies around the globe will hold off until they can get their mitts on some clean dope.

Don't Get Grumpy

Lance Armstrong Wants Doping Chief Fired
President Bush reportedly upset at cyclist until Cheney explains the difference between “doping” and “dopey.”

PETA Mulls McDonald's Buy

In a new twist on corporate synergy, Nestle to buy Jenny Craig for $600 million . That's really closing the loop now, isn't it? Isn't that a little like owning stock in both Ben & Jerry's and Slim-Fast? General Motors buying up L.A.'s mass transit system?

Is Namibia the New Cedars-Sinai?

On the wires today: Britney Spears May Have Second Baby in Namibia

Beer Helps Fight Prostate Cancer

It was reported today on Yahoo! News that an ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer. The article notes "the ingredient is present in such small amounts that a person would have to drink more than 17 beers to benefit."

Sounds like a health regimen I can stick with.

Six of Seven Dwarfs File Paternity Suit Against Larry King

(AP) New research has found that as men age, the quality of their sperm deteriorates, making it more likely they will have trouble becoming fathers and increasing the possibility of having a child with dwarfism.

Climate Change, Not Humans, Killed Wooly Mammoths

After an apparent mix-up in identification by key witnesses, mankind is released with an apology from authorities as an arrest warrant is issued for the rogue weather systems. "It blows hot and cold," LAPD Chief Bill Bratton said of the climate. "And officers should take every precaution. You never know which way the wind blows." He encouraged officers to dress in layers and bring a change of shoes when approaching the suspect.

Apple Swipes Fruit of Beatles Labor

A high-stakes legal tussle over trademarked fruit has ended in favor of Apple Computer Inc. A British judge ruled that the Cuperino, Calif.-based computer maker's use of the iconic rainbow-striped, one-bite-missing apple logo on its iTunes Music Store is in violation of a 1991 agreement with Apple Corps Ltd., the British concern responsible for the rights to the Beatles' music -- which uses a green and unbitten apple logo.
The case was decided on a highly technical issue that involved the intersection of trademark law and pomology according to British barrister Nial Cortland. "We horribly misunderestimated the American public's ability to distinguish between different apple varieties. Once Apple's expert explained that the fruit in their logo was a McIntosh -- which even the youngest school child in America can tell you has white, tender, crisp flesh that's highly aromatic, and full of juice and is the principal cider apple in the Northeast U.S. -- we knew we were in trouble."
The most damaging testimony came under cross-examination when former Beatle Ringo Starr, from the witness stand, was able to clearly distinguish between the two despite wearing dark sunglasses and appearing visibly impaired.
"It's a bloody Granny Smith," the drummer told the London High Court when shown Apple Corps' logo. "They're harvested a full month after the McIntosh for god's sake -- a tart but not sour apple that holds up well in cold storage." Starr then spent forty-five minutes tracing the cultivation history of the variety back to 1868 when it first sprouted from a pile of apples tossed on a southern Australian garbage heap by one Mrs. Smith.
Apple Computer's U.K. attorney, Sir Derek Newtown-Pippin, declined ot comment on the outcome beyond characterizing it as "plucking justly deserved fruits from the orchard of intellectual property."

Feel Free to Comment

I've just changed the settings so comments can be left without requiring a Blogger account.

Bill Gates Doesn't Want to Be World's Richest Man

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, whose personal fortune of nearly $50 billion makes him the wealthiest individual on the planet, recently told CNBC's Donny Deutsch he wished he wasn't the world's richest man.
In an unexpected ourpouring of support, individuals and groups from around the world have flooded the Redmond, Washington, offices of Microsoft with offers of support for the beleagured billionaire. Among them:

The Nigerian Business Roundtable whose letter read, in part, "your checking account number is required so that we may verify your complaint."

Anna Nicole Smith who called "just to say hey" and invite him out for pizza and a lap-dance "next time Melinda's out helping orphans or whatever."

The Coca-Cola Company which requested the funds so they could "finally buy the world a Coke."

Michael Jackson who, in exchange will give up some Beatles albums, a ranch outside of Santa Barbara and half interest in Tito.

37 Million Americans Living Below the Poverty Line who, in words you can't say on TV, said they wouldn't mind feeling his pain.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Vermont Beta Chapter, Burlington, Vt., which has pledged to use the funds to bolster the quality of its alcohol awareness program. "We'll start by producing a 30-minute three-camera video of Jenna Jameson doing beer bongs, followed by a nine-day, cocaine-fueled Jaegermeister and Schlitz bender," said chapter president Dane "the Dude" Mendoza. "At the end we'll be like -- hey kids don't do that. I think it might just work -- maybe not the first time but eventually. We won't know until we try."

Dame Edna Punches Papparazo

The Associated Press reports that 72-year-old actor Barry Humphries, better known as the Dame Edna Everage character he portrays, belted a freelance photographer outside a Sydney restaurant Wednesday.

According to the filed police report, no injuries were sustained as Humphries "hit like a girl."

A Bigger Bonk -- Stones Guitarist Falls From Tree

On vacation in Fiji, Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion after falling out of a palm tree he allegedly climbed in pursuit of coconuts.
Already accustomed to being out of his tree, Richards -- a cigarette still dangling from his lips -- continued to play "Jumpin' Jack Flash" according to witnesses at the scene.
In an unrelated story, a spider monkey has been arrrested for heroin possession after arriving at London's Heathrow Airport. Authorities discovered the illicit drugs after the monkey began flinging its feces at Stones frontman Mick Jagger while disembarking from an Air New Zealand flight.

Human Flesh Found in Indiana Burger

How long 'til they start with "TGI Fingers" jokes? Not long at all, not long at all.

Dining on Digits

Katie, They're Called "Privates" for a Reason

Who says there is no sexism on morning talk TV? On Tuesday, when soon-to-depart perkmeister Katie Couric proudly told us her husband once told her (in the delivery room) that her "uterus looked like a portobello mushroom" I nearly choked on a mouthful of hot coffee.
All disgusting imagery aside, imagine if it were the other way around and Matt Lauer casually announced to the world that his model-wife Annette Roque once described his unmentionables as looking like "a baby's arm holding a plum." See what I mean?

Katie Couric's Early A.M. Mycology Primer

CIA Comes Clean About Source of Leaks

(LOS ANGELES) -- Under pressure from both houses of Congress as well as the White House, the Central Intelligence Agency has finally come clean about a series of damaging leaks from within the hallowed halls of the CIA.
CIA spokesman Ted Geist told reporters at CIA headquarters late Tuesday that an internal investigation had traced leaks ranging from the outing of covert agent Valerie Plame to the revelation of secret prisons to a single undercover operative known only by the codename "Ginger" which he said was short for "Virginia," the state where the spy agency is located. In a rare departure from protocol, the CIA has posted a photo of the rogue agent at its website. "We've identified the source of these damaging leaks once and for all," Geist said. "Making this turncoat's identity known will send a signal that such breaches of security will not be tolerated."

First Photo of "Ginger" -- the Rogue Agent Responsible for Recent CIA Leaks

Headline of the Day (from Yahoo! News)

Under pressure, Bush takes aim at gasoline prices

We can relax now. I mean, he sure made the situation in the Middle East a lot better, didn't he?

Curiously, not a single complaint about "Chubby Hubby"

Ben & Jerry's sorry for Irish "Black & Tan" upset
DUBLIN (Reuters) - Ice cream makers Ben & Jerry's have apologized for causing offence by calling a new flavor "Black & Tan" -- the nickname of a notoriously violent British militia that operated during Ireland's war of independence.
The ice cream, available only in the United States, is based on an ale and stout drink of the same name.
"Any reference on our part to the British Army unit was absolutely unintentional and no ill-will was ever intended," said a Ben & Jerry's spokesman.
"Ben & Jerry's was built on the philosophies of peace and love," he added.
The Black and Tans, so-called because of their two-tone uniforms, were recruited in the early 1920s to bolster the ranks of the police force in Ireland as anti-British sentiment grew.
They quickly gained a reputation for brutality and mention of the militia still arouses strong feelings in Ireland.
"I can't believe that Ben & Jerry's would be so insensitive to call an ice cream such a name and to launch it as a celebration of Irishness ... it's an insult!" wrote one blogger on www.junkfoodblog.com.
"I hope they don't try to launch it here in Ireland or I imagine they'll lose a lot of their fans."
Ben & Jerry's, a unit of Anglo-Dutch consumer goods giant Unilever Plc, prides itself on its commitment to friendly business. Its mission statement includes a pledge to show "a deep respect for human beings inside and outside our company and for the communities in which they live."