Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Ban the Burger (Future) King!

(TWO HOURS AGO) The eventual heir to the British monarchy has caused a royal row by suggesting that McDonald's be banned.
Prince Charles made the comment during a visit to the United Arab Emirates where he said outlawing the Oakbrook, Illinois-based fast-food giant would be "key" to improving the diet of his country's people, which before the arrival of sandwiches such as Big Mac and McRib, consisted of such healthy fare as fish and chips, blood pudding, clotted cream and gravy-laden Yorkshire pudding.
To replace the golden arches in the U.K., the prince is launching a healthy fast-food franchise called Burger Queen's in honor of his mother Queen Elizabeth II. The signature entrees will be a variety of salad bowls filled with a diner's choice of flax seed, raw vegetables and tofu. The prince said they would be listed o the menu as "Camilla Parker Bowls."

Friday, February 23, 2007

Paging Steve Guttenberg

Is it just me, or is this whole Anna Nicole baby-daddy thing a Bizarro-world parody of "Three Men and a Baby"? If you squint at the movie poster you can almost imagine legal eagle turned grieving companion Howard K. Stern channeled by the affable Steve Guttenberg.
If I were casting the remake I might swap out Tom Selleck for Jared Leto (or, better yet, Jay Mohr) to play Larry Birkhead, and convince Danson to lay off the Grecian Formula for a few weeks to more closely resemble third potential poppa Prince Frederick von Anhalt.
"They changed her diapers, she changed their lives." Indeed.
Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince von Anhalt holding Dannnielynn Hope Marshall Stern (left).

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Astronaut's Wife

What's better on a slow news day than a can of pepper spray, a BB gun and an adulterous astronaut wearing Depends? I'm not talking about the lame 1999 Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron flick, I'm talking about an honest-to-goodness astro-nut.
According to the Riff's sources, the space cadet in question, Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, went into orbit during a recent shuttle mission when fellow space cowboy, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, held his hand over the space shuttle port hole and told Nowak he had a present for her. According to court records, when Oefelein moved his hand to reveal the earth below, Nowak "felt weightless."
"I was just kidding around," Oefelein told the Riff. "And she took it seriously." Nowak apparently became obsessed with her fellow astronaut to the point that she attempted to abduct his girlfriend Colleen Shipman.
"In retrospect, it would have been a smarter idea to just sit home and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon over and over again," Nowak told the Riff.