Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Let the "Babyshambles" Jokes Begin

AFR reports that British supermodel and on-screen consumer of Peruvian marching powder Kate Moss is pregnant by smack-shooting rehab-hopping Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. Rumors began to fly that the two would also be marrying soon when it was reported that the couple was spotted "shopping for a big rock" in the alleyways of London's tony Knightsbridge neighborhood.
When confronted, Doherty claimed he was simply trying to give Moss the "white wedding she often grinds her teeth and talks about." The couple will reportedly honeymoon in either Colombia or Afghanistan depending on laxity of local enforcement and seasonal harvest purity.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Actor to Legally Change Name to Wal-Mart Valderrama

In a bid to reach the widest possible demographic, the world's largest retailer, Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart has announced that it has secured naming rights to That '70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama who will be required to legally change his name to "Wal-Mart Valderrama" for the duration of the six-year contract.
In return, the Miami-born actor, who parlayed a role as foreign-exchange student Fez into a stint as Lindsay Lohan's boy-toy, will receive a lump-sum payment of $19 million and avoid a shame-spiral straight into the "where are they now?" files while he awaits such career-validating performances on the big screen as "security guard" in Unaccompanied Minors and Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen version of CHiPs.

Global Warming Is So Hot Right Now

No story here, just a funny headline that makes me feel like a copywriter for Kenneth Cole ads. I know, I know — I'm not the forst one to come up with it (I can Google too ...).

Wrigley Gives Wall Street Something to Chew On

Reuters reports that gum maker Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. named a non-Wrigley as president and chief executive officer for the first time in the company's history, surprising investors and sending stock prices up. The new man at the helm is former Nike Inc. CEO William Perez. "I feel like the chewing gum industry and footwear business share a common sole," Perez told business reporters after the announcement. "We've stuck together through thick and thin and scraped by as needed."
According to industry insiders, Perez' compensation package includes use of the nickname "Big Red" at company functions as well as custody of the Doublemint twins.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Group Outraged Over Endangered Mexican Gardeners

MALIBU, Calif.--A group calling itself the Malibu Residents for Affordable Landscaping held a protest here last week in response to a report that characterized the Mexican gardener -- considered a linchpin of the 'Bu aesthetic -- as a nearly extinct creature that required designation as an endangered species.
"They'll have to pry our gardeners' cold, dead hands from their long-handled rakes," said Chauncey Billups a Hollywood extra protesting on behalf of longtime Malibu Colony resident actor Michael Rappaport. When the crowd of 20 mostly unemployed Hollywood grips, gameshow writers and seat-fillers was informed that it was actually a Mexican garter snake that was endangered and not the immigrant workforce, they immediately dropped their picket signs and headed to a nearby Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a round of hard-earned Ice Blendeds.

Legless Muppets Teach Afghan Kids Land Mine Safety

The Christian Science Monitor reports that two of Jim Henson's original muppet-making team have joined forces with charities to educate Afghani children on the dangers of land mines strewn across the war torn landscape.
The original intent was to use the puppet/marionette hybrids in a story called "The Little Carpet Boy" — based loosely on the story of Pinocchio — but as the muppeteers unpacked their props in front of crowd of small children in downtown Kabul, it became clear that no storyline was needed.
"All of a sudden there was this god-awful wail," said Dan Jenks who voices Khalid the carpet boy and Elmer the Humvee driver. "And when I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of little brown faces with these wide, wide eyes." Jenks said the children were scared by the sight of the legless muppets lying on the ground.
"It freaked 'em out pretty hard so I seized the opportunity," Jenks said. "I told 'em they lost the legs because they didn't watch where they were going. Boy they turned greener than Kermit on a merry-go-round."
Jeanette Procopio, who voices the Ingrid the Red Cross nurse, Condi Rice and Heather Mills puppets, said she thought teaching life lessons through puppetry would be more difficult. "But these kids really seem to be taking the message to heart."