Thursday, August 24, 2006

New TSA Rules Result in Banning Half of Each Passenger

The TSA's new rules that prohibit bringing liquids on board commercial airline flights has had the unintended result of banning most of each passenger.
"It has come to our attention that the average human body is 50 to 65 percent water," said Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "That's roughly 45 quarts of contraband."
According to the Boston Globe, men are more watery than women (60 to 65 percent water as opposed to 50 to 60 percent) while infants top out at around 70 percent. "That practically makes them little dirty bombs," Chertoff said in a recent meeting with officials at LAX.
Since human blood is 83 percent water, bones are 22 percent water and muscle is 75 percent water, Chertoff said he didn't think there was any efficient way - short of cremation - to separate the liquids from the solids. "And if we do that, the terrorists really have won."
Gunther von Hagens, the German anatomist and creator of the Body Worlds exhibit has offered his plastination process -- which replaces all water in the human body with silicone -- free of charge. "This will render the passenger completely liquid-free," von Hagens told the Riff. "But still completely life like."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Liqui-Gel Industry Hardest Hit By New Airline Restrictions

The worldwide airline restrictions banning liquids and gels from carry-on luggage in the aftermath of a foiled terrorist attempt yesterday, has had a doubly devastating affect on the liqui-gel industry, pushing Wyeth Consumer Healthcare, maker of Advil Liqui-Gel headache medication, Allergan the manufacturer of Refresh Liquigel Eye Drops and Gas-X, which makes a gas-relief liquigel, to the edge of bankruptcy.
"We'll just have to go back to the drawing board," said Stan Bevins, an spokesman for the Gelatinous-Liquid Industry Board (GLIB), which represents the makers of such products. "If we can't find a way to alleviate migraines, moisten eyes and prevent flatulence at 35,000 feet, then the terrorists really have won."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Robin Williams Enters Rehab for Alcohol Abuse

In other entertainment news, Mel Gibson announces his next project will be a remake of "Patch Adams."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

'Mysterious' Bush Weight Gain Explained

After receiving his annual physical at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., it was reported that President Bush had gained a little over four pounds in the last year. Though hardly a matter of national security, the mysterious weight gain of our jogging, bike-riding, brush-clearing 196-pound commander-in-chief has been the source of much speculation.
Speculate no more! The Riff has been granted exclusive access to the president's confidential health records which list the component parts of the president's the excess baggage:

Weight of "Jeb in '08" button in left pocket - .5 ounces.
Weight of word-a-day pocket calendar in right breast pocket -- 3 ounces
Weight of yellow "Live Strong" bracelet on right wrist -- .5 ounce
Weight of massage oil (1 tube) with attached handwritten note to "A. Merkel" - 1 ounce
Weight of guilt over getting country into war under false pretenses - 3 pounds 11 ounces*

* Doctor's handwritten note advises president that this weight may either increase with time or cause a layer of callus to accumulate around his heart.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Band "Elastic Loaves" Forced to Sue Iran for Trademark Infringement

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural organizations to use Persian words and phrases in place of foreign ones it was recently reported.
The most commonly cited example of the last news cycle was the use of the phrase "elastic loaves" to replace the word "pizza."
The peculiar word choice has had an unintended effect on a Brockport, New York, psychedelic muscial concern which has performed as "The Elastic Loaves" for the last 40 years. "Our site's been getting hits like crazy," said theremin player Derek "Cully" Cullinan. "We have attracted this amount of attention since we released our debut album 'Roadkill/Landfill' in '65."
Despite the media attention, Cullinan says he and 39 of the 41 members of the musical collective have decided to sue Iran for trademark infringement. "It doesn't seem right that we've kneaded the dough and let it rise all these years and this guy Sinbad comes in and punches it down." Cullian said the conch shell player and didgeridooist have opted out, electing to pursue legal action separately.
Barring a prohibition on Iran's use of the term, the Elastic Loaves hope a monetary settlement wil allow them to release their second album sometime next year. "But by then we may have to call ourselves 'Pizza'," mused Cullinan.