Wednesday, July 30, 2008
This caused great sadness in my Bean-centric extended family and we were forced to scour the countryside looking for any last remaining cache.
Out of habit, I asked my barista who obligingly pointed to the top shelf behind me. She said customer clamor led to the return.
To all those who let their discontent be known, I salute you!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Shake and Bake Tuesday
Moments after the temblor, Sony Pictures issued a press release claiming credit for the quake as part of the viral marketing campaign for the movie, the highest budget pot film ever made. "Yes, it was us. We thought a 'shake and bake Tuesday' would be the perfect way to highlight our new movie," said Danny Greenbud, director of marketing for the film. "Which, by the way comes out tomorrow night!"
Greenbud said the studio had initially wanted to unleash the shaker at 4:20 p.m. today. "That really would have blown a few minds," he said with a chuckle and long, slow exhale.
Plans were changed at the last minute, he said, when the USGS cautioned that freeways would be most congested at that hour.
"You win some, you lose some," Greenbud said with a shrug. "But look at it this way -- now you've got the rest of the day to get your head straight. And if you think that was an earthquake, wait 'til you see Seth Rogen and James Franco at your local theater."
Producers of "Tropic Thunder" couldn't be reached for comment that they were similarly planning a monsoon to heighten awareness for their movie, which hits theaters a week after "Pineapple."
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Waves of Words
The Riff was apparently a poet and didn't even know it -- for reals.
Riff's Guest Rage
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tippin' a 40 of Maalox
You might say her passing has left us a bit "Maude-lin."
Monday, July 21, 2008
Salmonella Is So Hot Right Now!
This is sad since the pepper in all its sweat-inducing varieties is practically the Riff's national food, but the Riff is also a borderline psychotic optimist so how about weaponizing some of the hot badness into a pepper spray?
Would you mess with someone in a dark alley if you thought that you'd end up with stinging eyes, burning skin AND a three-week bout of possibly deadly intestinal distress?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
What, No "The Bitch is Blackberry"?
Kudos Ben, and hats off to you Jerry, but that's kind of phoning it in, don't you think? I mean, this is the company that's given us flavors like Ethan Almond, Cherry Garcia and Vermonty Python. I came up with a few alternatives riffing my way home from work today. Among them:
"I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Bluesberry"
"Caramel In the Wind"
"Hakuna Malt-ata""Bennie and the Jet-Puffed"
"Cookie Dough-n’t Go Breaking My Heart"
Monday, June 30, 2008
While the Riff is truly saddened by the death of any teenager, he can 't help but wonder WHAT KIND OF HAT WAS IT?
We're putting even money on the hot hat of the moment -- the stingy brim fedora.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
As Smart as a Horse's Patoot!
If there's one thing I love it's trivia. If there are two things I love, it's trivia and calling someone an ass who sorely deserves it. My friend Jimmy Clothespin (his name has been changed to protect his family) knows this, which is why I received the following missive:
"I don’t usually forward shit like this but I thought you would enjoy.:
INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON
Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content.
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
th a t's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing .
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in
the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial
distance roads in Europe (and
have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all
alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inc he s is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies
So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate
the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These
are solid rocket boosters, or SRB' s. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at
their factory in
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's h ad to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the
factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's
had to fit through that tun nel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's
ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...
and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
It sounds perfect, doesn't it? I checked out my favorite debunking site snopes.com which calls it "false" -- but goes on to say it's kinda/sorta true in a commonsense sort of way. See the full discussion here. All in all a good read and a fun story. Too fun to keep to myself.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Sad Trippin': LSD Inventor Gone to the Great Dead Show in the Sky
Hoffman passed away at the age of 102, the result of a heart attack suffered at his hilltop home near Basel Switzerland.
In addition to his wife, Anita; two daughters, a son, eight grandchildren and six great-grandchildren, Hoffman is survived by several Beatles albums, the rock opera "Tommy," a man in a bunny suit who follows me around and a tidal wave of squirrels fed by the 12 tiny paratroopers living in a Doc Marten boot under my bed.
In lieu of flowers, the Hoffman family respectfully asks for you to chew the corner off his obituary notice and take a long bike ride.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Pretty Fly Idea ...
How can the image of a common housefly improve your skills at the urinal? I found out the surprising (well, not so surprising if you understand the mind of the average XY chromosome) answer on my way in to work today -- on NPR's "Day to Day" of all places.
Economist Richard Thaler was on, discussing the new book he co-authored with Cass Sunstein titled: Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness.
It was a fascinating discussion of "choice architecture" and "libertarian paternalism" that left me with the feeling that mirrors in fast food restaurants wouldn't be such a bad idea. Here's the link -- audio should be posted later in the day.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Shamal, Harmattan and Reshabar -- Sons of Noah?
Actually they're all different types of wind. The Riff was trying to gin up an appropriately breezy sidekick name for his superhero alter-ego (The Tschornado) and got thinking about his childhood in JISP ski program when he used to pass Mistral's at Toll Gate on the way to Bromley Mountain every Wednesday. Odd name for a place on the side of a Vermont ski mountain, but it's stuck with me all these years.
One thing led to another and this informative link was found. So if you don't know your Tramonta from your Vendavales, that's a good place to start.
The Riff's only complaint?
No mention of the blustery Santa Anas.
Would Twins With Mono ...
Thursday, March 06, 2008
That's NOT What "Birdie" Usually Means ...
The estate of Humphrey Bogart expressed relief at the news, as Isenhour has a tendency to shoot Bogey on that hole.
The Great-Grand Canyon?
The gorge, which was released on its own recognizance, promptly exposed a calcite deposit to a family of passing tourists.
Patrick Swayze NOT Auditioning For "Ghost II"
Despite the recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer; the star of "Dirty Dancing," "Road House" and "To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar says he has no intention of reprising his Saturn Award nominated role as a lovelorn spirit from the great beyond anytime soon, thereby ensuring that the romantic aspects of the country's pottery kilns will remain hidden from yet another generation.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
So THAT'S an Eye Tooth!
DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, according to this report.
Next up is an experiment implanting extracted wisdom teeth in the brains of U.S. politicians.