Sad Trippin': LSD Inventor Gone to the Great Dead Show in the Sky

Dr. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss chemist who first synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide (also known as Sid, Lucy, sunshine, boomer, blotter, windowpane, sugar lumps, microdot, tabs, trips and mind douche) shuffled off to the great gig in the sky yesterday.
Hoffman passed away at the age of 102, the result of a heart attack suffered at his hilltop home near Basel Switzerland.
In addition to his wife, Anita; two daughters, a son, eight grandchildren and six great-grandchildren, Hoffman is survived by several Beatles albums, the rock opera "Tommy," a man in a bunny suit who follows me around and a tidal wave of squirrels fed by the 12 tiny paratroopers living in a Doc Marten boot under my bed.
In lieu of flowers, the Hoffman family respectfully asks for you to chew the corner off his obituary notice and take a long bike ride.

Pretty Fly Idea ...

How can the image of a common housefly improve your skills at the urinal? I found out the surprising (well, not so surprising if you understand the mind of the average XY chromosome) answer on my way in to work today -- on NPR's "Day to Day" of all places.
Economist Richard Thaler was on, discussing the new book he co-authored with Cass Sunstein titled: Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness.
It was a fascinating discussion of "choice architecture" and "libertarian paternalism" that left me with the feeling that mirrors in fast food restaurants wouldn't be such a bad idea. Here's the link -- audio should be posted later in the day.

Shamal, Harmattan and Reshabar -- Sons of Noah?

Actually they're all different types of wind. The Riff was trying to gin up an appropriately breezy sidekick name for his superhero alter-ego (The Tschornado) and got thinking about his childhood in JISP ski program when he used to pass Mistral's at Toll Gate on the way to Bromley Mountain every Wednesday. Odd name for a place on the side of a Vermont ski mountain, but it's stuck with me all these years.
One thing led to another and this informative link was found. So if you don't know your Tramonta from your Vendavales, that's a good place to start.
The Riff's only complaint?
No mention of the blustery Santa Anas.

Would Twins With Mono ...

Technically be "stereo"? Just wondering ...

That's NOT What "Birdie" Usually Means ...

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour is reportedly facing charges for hitting a hawk with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show.
The estate of Humphrey Bogart expressed relief at the news, as Isenhour has a tendency to shoot Bogey on that hole.

The Great-Grand Canyon?

Recent reports peg the Grand Canyon at about 10 million years older than previously thought. The mistake, attributed to a faked Arizona driver's license, was discovered when the vast, expansive geologic formation, which purported to be "6 million if an eon," was noticed eroding on federal land. After routine carbon dating, the awe-inspiring chasm was found to be closer to 17 million years of age.
The gorge, which was released on its own recognizance, promptly exposed a calcite deposit to a family of passing tourists.

Patrick Swayze NOT Auditioning For "Ghost II"

Despite the recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer; the star of "Dirty Dancing," "Road House" and "To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar says he has no intention of reprising his Saturn Award nominated role as a lovelorn spirit from the great beyond anytime soon, thereby ensuring that the romantic aspects of the country's pottery kilns will remain hidden from yet another generation.

So THAT'S an Eye Tooth!

DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, according to this report.
Next up is an experiment implanting extracted wisdom teeth in the brains of U.S. politicians.

Happy Valentine's Day

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Bet They Kick Ass at Wii's "Sports Pack"

Pro golfer Greg Norman and tennis legend Chris Evert to marry. The couple appears to be registered at the local Sports Chalet. Even money he buys her a tennis bracelet.

My Acute Myocardial Infarction

What is a "heart attack," Alex?

Food Network to Cancel "Emeril Live"

"DAMN!"

Google Search Term "Prenup" Hits All-Time High

The Associated Press is reporting that Google Inc. co-founder Larry Page, whose stake in the company makes him worth approximately $20 billion, is tying the knot next month. The company's other founder, Sergey Brin, married six months ago.

Hilton "Medical Condition" Explains DUI

Celebutante Paris Hilton, whose is in jail/out of jail shenanigans took a particularly tabloid turn when she was released from custody after just three days for undisclosed "medical reasons."
Several sources tell the Riff the medical condition is claustrophobia -- which finally explains why she felt the need to drink before getting behind the wheel of her car in the first place.

Mystery Man Comes Between Larry/Laurie David

The sudden announcement that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" creator Larry David and his wife, NRDC trustee and environmental activist Laurie David, have called it quits after 14 years of marriage has led to speculations that other parties may be involved.
The Riff has recently come into possession of photographic evidence that a third party has indeed come between the Hollywood power couple.
The identity of the person, visible between the two at an NRDC event in an AP photo taken last year, is unknown but rumors are circulating that it may be the former stunt double of "SNL" alum Dan Aykroyd who has not been seen in public since the premiere of "Doctor Detroit."
Any information regarding the mystery man should be directed to the Riff.

Hookah-Smoking Caterpillar vs. Joe Camel

According to a report released by the World health Organization today, water-pipe use may pose the same health risks as cigarette smoking.
In addition to tobacco, hookahs, bongs and various other water pipe devices have long been used to smoke marijuana, tests on the dangers of smoking that drug through a water pipe have not been able to be determined because the WHO researchers became "incredibly stoned" according to unpublished reports, and spent the rest of the day trying to dig the Keebler elves out of a miniature tree in the research facility's lobby.

Out Out Damn Trout

I've discovered something fishy about our new house. I suspected walleye but on closer examination it turns out to be a trout. I think it may be attracted to the wormwood but my wife points out it is a rainbow trout so it's probably house flies.

Ban the Burger (Future) King!

(TWO HOURS AGO) The eventual heir to the British monarchy has caused a royal row by suggesting that McDonald's be banned.
Prince Charles made the comment during a visit to the United Arab Emirates where he said outlawing the Oakbrook, Illinois-based fast-food giant would be "key" to improving the diet of his country's people, which before the arrival of sandwiches such as Big Mac and McRib, consisted of such healthy fare as fish and chips, blood pudding, clotted cream and gravy-laden Yorkshire pudding.
To replace the golden arches in the U.K., the prince is launching a healthy fast-food franchise called Burger Queen's in honor of his mother Queen Elizabeth II. The signature entrees will be a variety of salad bowls filled with a diner's choice of flax seed, raw vegetables and tofu. The prince said they would be listed o the menu as "Camilla Parker Bowls."

Paging Steve Guttenberg

Is it just me, or is this whole Anna Nicole baby-daddy thing a Bizarro-world parody of "Three Men and a Baby"? If you squint at the movie poster you can almost imagine legal eagle turned grieving companion Howard K. Stern channeled by the affable Steve Guttenberg.
If I were casting the remake I might swap out Tom Selleck for Jared Leto (or, better yet, Jay Mohr) to play Larry Birkhead, and convince Danson to lay off the Grecian Formula for a few weeks to more closely resemble third potential poppa Prince Frederick von Anhalt.
"They changed her diapers, she changed their lives." Indeed.
Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince von Anhalt holding Dannnielynn Hope Marshall Stern (left).

The Astronaut's Wife

What's better on a slow news day than a can of pepper spray, a BB gun and an adulterous astronaut wearing Depends? I'm not talking about the lame 1999 Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron flick, I'm talking about an honest-to-goodness astro-nut.
According to the Riff's sources, the space cadet in question, Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, went into orbit during a recent shuttle mission when fellow space cowboy, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, held his hand over the space shuttle port hole and told Nowak he had a present for her. According to court records, when Oefelein moved his hand to reveal the earth below, Nowak "felt weightless."
"I was just kidding around," Oefelein told the Riff. "And she took it seriously." Nowak apparently became obsessed with her fellow astronaut to the point that she attempted to abduct his girlfriend Colleen Shipman.
"In retrospect, it would have been a smarter idea to just sit home and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon over and over again," Nowak told the Riff.