The Whiteboard Chronicles: "Blank is the new Blank " Edition

The Whiteboard Chronicles - Chicken Edition

The Whiteboard Chronicles Part Deux

As the sign says, more awkward, strange, fictitious band names for your enjoyment. Who wants a double bill of Foster Wife and The Vast Deference?
-- Riff

The Whiteboard Chronicles

Welcome to the White Board Chronicles. This is a crowd-sourced list of funny (and we believe fictitious) band names. Feel free to pick a favorite. And if we see Uncle Dad's Tween Jug Band opening for Chronic Impact! The White Board's birth family will be honored.
-- Riff

Buying the Blogger

I thought this recent article in the NY Times about product placement (and disclosure thereof) in blogs was interesting. And, for the record, no one's even tried to buy off the Riff even once -- not even the makers of that really cool vodka mentioned in the article.

Now In Blogs, Product Placement, by J. David Goodman

My Personal Shout Out from Old Spice's Man on the Horse, Isaiah Mustafa

Read the full story behind it by clicking here.

The Proper Care & Feeding of Struthio Camelus

Adam in Ostrich Land from Thleen Things on Vimeo.

A Shout-Out From Schott's

Never beyond a bit of shameless self promotion, the Riff's piece about banning the "man-" prefix got a kind mention at Schott's Vocab blog at the NYT.

Tip Box: Why Is My JPG Smurf Blue?

If you're a hardworking slinger of inker and pusher of pixels in this day and age, you may have had to rely on the handout art of others to make that blog post work. And, upon trying to open said jpeg, it may have opened with an unexpected blue cast to it.

I won't get into what causes it (because I don't know, except that it has to do with file size), but here's the quickest fix I've found:

1) Open the photo using Microsoft Office Picture Manager.

2) Go to the Picture drop-down menu, choose Compress Pictures (on mine it's the very last choice).

3) On the right-hand side, click the Web pages radio button (second from the bottom choice).

4) Just above the OK button, you should see an estimated file size, indicating it's been compressed from something ginormous to something less so. Click the OK button.

5) Save the file (I always choose "Save As" so the original file is preserved -- just as a safety precaution).

And there you have it. Your picture as pretty as a ... picture.

-- Adam

Font Fashion. Politics Edition

Former HP CEO Carly Fiorina uses the distinctive Futura light typeface in her "Carly" logo. HP's "one voice" branding strategy, circa 2008, was to exclusively use ... HP Futura light. Just thought it was interesting, that's all.
-- Adam
Carly Fiorina's Futura's so light, she's gotta wear shades (Los Angeles Times)

Facebook is a Vodka Cranberry, Twitter is Cocaine

Just stumbled across this hilarious comparison between Internet networking sites and various drugs, by Patrick Moberg. My favorite: "Myspace is huffing spray paint: Destroys any chance of looking credible. You will be perceived as having the mindset of a middle schooler, and probably do."
-- Adam

NSFW T-shirts from the 2010 Beard & Moustache Championships

I'm just back from a whirlwind 19 hours in Bend, Ore., where I was covering the first-ever nationwide beard and mustache championships, and among the local color that gathered for the event were folks decked out in all manner of follicularly focused T-shirts. Two of the not-safe-for-work variety appear at right. Note that these two people weren't at the vent together, mind you, but I'm sure if they met they'd find out they had a lot in common.
-- Adam
Photo credit: Copyright 2010 Adam Tschorn.

Mom and Pop Riff Star in Local Bank Ad

"Star Wars" Pancake Molds at Williams-Sonoma

Eat you with maple syrup, I will.

Feline Cuteness Alert!

Kneady Cats: Toast and Gracie from Adam Tschorn on Vimeo.

Meet Redheaded She Clown "Tomato McGrand"

Just ran across the video below. Apparently (and I haven't even attempted to verify the veracity of it) it's from a Japanese ad for a McDonald's burger called the "Tomato McGrand."

I've decided to call her Tomato McGrand and I imagine she's got a boyfriend named Big Max. Somehow I don't think she got that body eating hamburgers and fries.

Burger King's Quad Stacker

Yeah, I'm "researching a story" -- I think the "quad" stands for quadruple - as in bypass.
And I'm probably the only guy on the planet who can order one of those meat beasts AND a Diet Coke and keep a straight face ...

Hey, You Got Your Bacon in my Chocolate!

OK, so I haven't exactly been Riffing up a storm here the last few months, but that's because I've been, well, if not busy, at least distracted. But, while enjoying a Valentine's Day lunch with Mrs. Riff at Bergdorf Goodman, something caught my attention: Mo's Bacon Bar from Vosges Haut Chocolat. That's right -- a chocolate bar using 45% cacao, crumbly bits of applewood smoked bacon and sprinkled with just the right amount of alderwood smoked salt.
The back of the $8 candy bar's box reads like Padma-worthy food porn: "From there it was just a matter of time .. and what began as a love of salt and sweet quickly unraveled into an obsession. No longer could I wait to unveil the royal coupling in solid bar form ... ." Well, you get the picture.
We bought the bar on Saturday but I didn't get a chance to snap into it last night -- and it was fantastic. The bacon flavor takes a back seat to the chocolate and the salt seems to draw the two major flavors together.
My only question is why did it take so long for someone to meld those flavors together?
Imagine how different the candy world would be if dairy farmer Harry Reese had looked at a couple of those pigs on his farm and said "to heck with the peanut butter, I'm putting some of THAT in my chocolate!"
Reese's Bacon Butter Cups?
A guy can dream.

Excerpts from E-mails We've Actually Sent

"I take all those pruned words and put them in a compost heap near my desk. So far I've grown three sonnets, a couple of haikus and a treatise on margarine." 1/18/09

No Tiki Bars? We'll Always Have Frankie's!

As a recently baptized (in a rum-based holy water) tikiphile, I've made it my mission to hit as many tiki bars in as many places as possible. I was excited at the prospect of checking out how the Polynesian pops on this side of the Atlantic since I'm in Milan and Paris for business.
I shouldn't have been.
According to Critiki, both cities are a barren wasteland devoid of my preferred brand of kitsch, and Critiki's creator Humuhumu even asks "Where's the Tiki in France" in her blog -- two years ago.
Which means I'll need to cowboy up and live off the memories of my last great tiki experience -- a trip to Frankie's Tiki Room in Las Vegas.
What's not to like about an off-the-Strip, authentically outfitted tiki bar open 24 hours a day? Especially one that serves a drink called the Tiki Bandit in a mug (from Tiki Farm) in the shape of a one-armed bandit?
I actually opted out of that one on favor of a Thurston Howl -- described thusly: "a powerful explosion of rum, brandy, gin and Pernod. A couple of these and Lovely Howell will look like Ginger Grant." (Who doesn't love a booze-related "Gilligan's Island" reference?)
The mug it was served in was a tiki with red dice for eyes -- similar to the one gracing the entrance. It kind of reminds me of the way I feel after a night in Vegas. (My own Ginger Grant brought home the Bearded Clam mug, realizing only later the situation it depicted involving a decidedly NSFW hula girl).
But, until I get back "in country" I'll have have to live off those Sin City memories.
Frankie's Tiki Room, 712 W. Charleston, Las Vegas (702) 385-3110.