Burger King's Quad Stacker

Yeah, I'm "researching a story" -- I think the "quad" stands for quadruple - as in bypass.
And I'm probably the only guy on the planet who can order one of those meat beasts AND a Diet Coke and keep a straight face ...

Hey, You Got Your Bacon in my Chocolate!

OK, so I haven't exactly been Riffing up a storm here the last few months, but that's because I've been, well, if not busy, at least distracted. But, while enjoying a Valentine's Day lunch with Mrs. Riff at Bergdorf Goodman, something caught my attention: Mo's Bacon Bar from Vosges Haut Chocolat. That's right -- a chocolate bar using 45% cacao, crumbly bits of applewood smoked bacon and sprinkled with just the right amount of alderwood smoked salt.
The back of the $8 candy bar's box reads like Padma-worthy food porn: "From there it was just a matter of time .. and what began as a love of salt and sweet quickly unraveled into an obsession. No longer could I wait to unveil the royal coupling in solid bar form ... ." Well, you get the picture.
We bought the bar on Saturday but I didn't get a chance to snap into it last night -- and it was fantastic. The bacon flavor takes a back seat to the chocolate and the salt seems to draw the two major flavors together.
My only question is why did it take so long for someone to meld those flavors together?
Imagine how different the candy world would be if dairy farmer Harry Reese had looked at a couple of those pigs on his farm and said "to heck with the peanut butter, I'm putting some of THAT in my chocolate!"
Reese's Bacon Butter Cups?
A guy can dream.

Excerpts from E-mails We've Actually Sent

"I take all those pruned words and put them in a compost heap near my desk. So far I've grown three sonnets, a couple of haikus and a treatise on margarine." 1/18/09

No Tiki Bars? We'll Always Have Frankie's!

As a recently baptized (in a rum-based holy water) tikiphile, I've made it my mission to hit as many tiki bars in as many places as possible. I was excited at the prospect of checking out how the Polynesian pops on this side of the Atlantic since I'm in Milan and Paris for business.
I shouldn't have been.
According to Critiki, both cities are a barren wasteland devoid of my preferred brand of kitsch, and Critiki's creator Humuhumu even asks "Where's the Tiki in France" in her blog -- two years ago.
Which means I'll need to cowboy up and live off the memories of my last great tiki experience -- a trip to Frankie's Tiki Room in Las Vegas.
What's not to like about an off-the-Strip, authentically outfitted tiki bar open 24 hours a day? Especially one that serves a drink called the Tiki Bandit in a mug (from Tiki Farm) in the shape of a one-armed bandit?
I actually opted out of that one on favor of a Thurston Howl -- described thusly: "a powerful explosion of rum, brandy, gin and Pernod. A couple of these and Lovely Howell will look like Ginger Grant." (Who doesn't love a booze-related "Gilligan's Island" reference?)
The mug it was served in was a tiki with red dice for eyes -- similar to the one gracing the entrance. It kind of reminds me of the way I feel after a night in Vegas. (My own Ginger Grant brought home the Bearded Clam mug, realizing only later the situation it depicted involving a decidedly NSFW hula girl).
But, until I get back "in country" I'll have have to live off those Sin City memories.
Frankie's Tiki Room, 712 W. Charleston, Las Vegas (702) 385-3110.

Adam Talks About New Year's Eve on the Radio

Shameless self-promotion of the day: In the waning hours of 2008 I was on ABC radio discussing my recent Los Angeles Times article about why so many people have a hard time having a good time on New Year's Eve.
I held off ripping the lid off, hopped on the phone in the middle of our raging house party and chatted with host Curtis Sliwa for about 12 minutes and change. Below is a link to mp3. Personally I think it's worth it for the Bernie Sanders impression alone.
audio.mp3

Berry Happy!

Stopping by the Larchmont Bean this morning to meet a publicist, I was surprised to find that Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has listened to the demands of the people and brought back our beloved Swedish Berries tea. It had been retired from packaged sales earlier this year, shortly after I'd honed my iced tea making skills, but curiously was still being sold as a prepared beverage.
This caused great sadness in my Bean-centric extended family and we were forced to scour the countryside looking for any last remaining cache.
Out of habit, I asked my barista who obligingly pointed to the top shelf behind me. She said customer clamor led to the return.
To all those who let their discontent be known, I salute you!

Shake and Bake Tuesday

Apparently the pot-smoking pineapple billboards weren't the end of the viral marketing campaign advertising the new stoner buddy flick "The Pineapple Express." At approximately 11:42 a.m. Tuesday morning, a 5.8 earthquake centered in Chino Hills, Calif., shook the West Coast and was reportedly felt as far away as San Francisco and Las Vegas.
Moments after the temblor, Sony Pictures issued a press release claiming credit for the quake as part of the viral marketing campaign for the movie, the highest budget pot film ever made. "Yes, it was us. We thought a 'shake and bake Tuesday' would be the perfect way to highlight our new movie," said Danny Greenbud, director of marketing for the film. "Which, by the way comes out tomorrow night!"
Greenbud said the studio had initially wanted to unleash the shaker at 4:20 p.m. today. "That really would have blown a few minds," he said with a chuckle and long, slow exhale.
Plans were changed at the last minute, he said, when the USGS cautioned that freeways would be most congested at that hour.
"You win some, you lose some," Greenbud said with a shrug. "But look at it this way -- now you've got the rest of the day to get your head straight. And if you think that was an earthquake, wait 'til you see Seth Rogen and James Franco at your local theater."

Producers of "Tropic Thunder" couldn't be reached for comment that they were similarly planning a monsoon to heighten awareness for their movie, which hits theaters a week after "Pineapple."

Waves of Words

This is new to the Riff -- my navel-gazing 'bot at Google Alerts tipped me off to a poem posted on the Internet that was inspired by my recent LA Lookback in the Image section.
The Riff was apparently a poet and didn't even know it -- for reals.

Riff's Guest Rage

In case you missed the Riff's guest-spot on his favorite co-worker blog back in June, here's a link.

Tippin' a 40 of Maalox

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that "Golden Girls" actress Estelle Getty has shuffled off to the great communal living facility in the sky. Too bad, she was always the Riff's favorite "Golden Girl," because she didn't mind playing the old dingbat mother of a husky woman two month her senior.
You might say her passing has left us a bit "Maude-lin."

Salmonella Is So Hot Right Now!

Put down the pepper and step away from the salsa. Apparently all this tomato-bashing has been for naught. My blog-in-law (if I just coined that term, I want royalties) sends word that the FDA has traced the recent salmonella outbreak to jalapeño peppers.
This is sad since the pepper in all its sweat-inducing varieties is practically the Riff's national food, but the Riff is also a borderline psychotic optimist so how about weaponizing some of the hot badness into a pepper spray?
Would you mess with someone in a dark alley if you thought that you'd end up with stinging eyes, burning skin AND a three-week bout of possibly deadly intestinal distress?

What, No "The Bitch is Blackberry"?

My former employer at the Manchester, Vt., Ben & Jerry's scoop shop (let's just call him "Dr. J") sent along news that in honor of Elton John's first concert in the Green Mountain State (apparently Captain Fantastic has performed in all other 49), Ben & Jerry's has created a limited edition flavor called, wait for it, "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road."
Kudos Ben, and hats off to you Jerry, but that's kind of phoning it in, don't you think? I mean, this is the company that's given us flavors like Ethan Almond, Cherry Garcia and Vermonty Python. I came up with a few alternatives riffing my way home from work today. Among them:

"I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Bluesberry"

"Caramel In the Wind"

"Hakuna Malt-ata"

"Bennie and the Jet-Puffed"

"Cookie Dough-n’t Go Breaking My Heart"

Got any suggestions? Feel Free to post ''em.

Killer Hat?

The Los Angeles Times recently reported a teenager in Georgia was decapitated by a Six Flags amusement park ride after leaping a fence into a restricted area. While no one knows what motivated the fellow, witness apparently reported he went in pursuit of a hat that had fallen off.
While the Riff is truly saddened by the death of any teenager, he can 't help but wonder WHAT KIND OF HAT WAS IT?
We're putting even money on the hot hat of the moment -- the stingy brim fedora.

As Smart as a Horse's Patoot!

If there's one thing I love it's trivia. If there are two things I love, it's trivia and calling someone an ass who sorely deserves it. My friend Jimmy Clothespin (his name has been changed to protect his family) knows this, which is why I received the following missive:

"I don’t usually forward shit like this but I thought you would enjoy.:
__________________________________________________________

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
th a t's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing .

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of
the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads
have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all
alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inc he s is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies
live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate
the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to
the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These
are solid rocket boosters, or SRB' s. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at
their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's h ad to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the
factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's
had to fit through that tun nel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's
ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...
and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

________________________________________

It sounds perfect, doesn't it? I checked out my favorite debunking site snopes.com which calls it "false" -- but goes on to say it's kinda/sorta true in a commonsense sort of way. See the full discussion here. All in all a good read and a fun story. Too fun to keep to myself.

Sad Trippin': LSD Inventor Gone to the Great Dead Show in the Sky

Dr. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss chemist who first synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide (also known as Sid, Lucy, sunshine, boomer, blotter, windowpane, sugar lumps, microdot, tabs, trips and mind douche) shuffled off to the great gig in the sky yesterday.
Hoffman passed away at the age of 102, the result of a heart attack suffered at his hilltop home near Basel Switzerland.
In addition to his wife, Anita; two daughters, a son, eight grandchildren and six great-grandchildren, Hoffman is survived by several Beatles albums, the rock opera "Tommy," a man in a bunny suit who follows me around and a tidal wave of squirrels fed by the 12 tiny paratroopers living in a Doc Marten boot under my bed.
In lieu of flowers, the Hoffman family respectfully asks for you to chew the corner off his obituary notice and take a long bike ride.

Pretty Fly Idea ...

How can the image of a common housefly improve your skills at the urinal? I found out the surprising (well, not so surprising if you understand the mind of the average XY chromosome) answer on my way in to work today -- on NPR's "Day to Day" of all places.
Economist Richard Thaler was on, discussing the new book he co-authored with Cass Sunstein titled: Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness.
It was a fascinating discussion of "choice architecture" and "libertarian paternalism" that left me with the feeling that mirrors in fast food restaurants wouldn't be such a bad idea. Here's the link -- audio should be posted later in the day.

Shamal, Harmattan and Reshabar -- Sons of Noah?

Actually they're all different types of wind. The Riff was trying to gin up an appropriately breezy sidekick name for his superhero alter-ego (The Tschornado) and got thinking about his childhood in JISP ski program when he used to pass Mistral's at Toll Gate on the way to Bromley Mountain every Wednesday. Odd name for a place on the side of a Vermont ski mountain, but it's stuck with me all these years.
One thing led to another and this informative link was found. So if you don't know your Tramonta from your Vendavales, that's a good place to start.
The Riff's only complaint?
No mention of the blustery Santa Anas.

Would Twins With Mono ...

Technically be "stereo"? Just wondering ...

That's NOT What "Birdie" Usually Means ...

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour is reportedly facing charges for hitting a hawk with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show.
The estate of Humphrey Bogart expressed relief at the news, as Isenhour has a tendency to shoot Bogey on that hole.

The Great-Grand Canyon?

Recent reports peg the Grand Canyon at about 10 million years older than previously thought. The mistake, attributed to a faked Arizona driver's license, was discovered when the vast, expansive geologic formation, which purported to be "6 million if an eon," was noticed eroding on federal land. After routine carbon dating, the awe-inspiring chasm was found to be closer to 17 million years of age.
The gorge, which was released on its own recognizance, promptly exposed a calcite deposit to a family of passing tourists.

Patrick Swayze NOT Auditioning For "Ghost II"

Despite the recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer; the star of "Dirty Dancing," "Road House" and "To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar says he has no intention of reprising his Saturn Award nominated role as a lovelorn spirit from the great beyond anytime soon, thereby ensuring that the romantic aspects of the country's pottery kilns will remain hidden from yet another generation.

So THAT'S an Eye Tooth!

DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, according to this report.
Next up is an experiment implanting extracted wisdom teeth in the brains of U.S. politicians.

Happy Valentine's Day

Made with Slideshow Embed Tool

Bet They Kick Ass at Wii's "Sports Pack"

Pro golfer Greg Norman and tennis legend Chris Evert to marry. The couple appears to be registered at the local Sports Chalet. Even money he buys her a tennis bracelet.

My Acute Myocardial Infarction

What is a "heart attack," Alex?

Food Network to Cancel "Emeril Live"

"DAMN!"

Google Search Term "Prenup" Hits All-Time High

The Associated Press is reporting that Google Inc. co-founder Larry Page, whose stake in the company makes him worth approximately $20 billion, is tying the knot next month. The company's other founder, Sergey Brin, married six months ago.

Hilton "Medical Condition" Explains DUI

Celebutante Paris Hilton, whose is in jail/out of jail shenanigans took a particularly tabloid turn when she was released from custody after just three days for undisclosed "medical reasons."
Several sources tell the Riff the medical condition is claustrophobia -- which finally explains why she felt the need to drink before getting behind the wheel of her car in the first place.

Mystery Man Comes Between Larry/Laurie David

The sudden announcement that "Curb Your Enthusiasm" creator Larry David and his wife, NRDC trustee and environmental activist Laurie David, have called it quits after 14 years of marriage has led to speculations that other parties may be involved.
The Riff has recently come into possession of photographic evidence that a third party has indeed come between the Hollywood power couple.
The identity of the person, visible between the two at an NRDC event in an AP photo taken last year, is unknown but rumors are circulating that it may be the former stunt double of "SNL" alum Dan Aykroyd who has not been seen in public since the premiere of "Doctor Detroit."
Any information regarding the mystery man should be directed to the Riff.

Hookah-Smoking Caterpillar vs. Joe Camel

According to a report released by the World health Organization today, water-pipe use may pose the same health risks as cigarette smoking.
In addition to tobacco, hookahs, bongs and various other water pipe devices have long been used to smoke marijuana, tests on the dangers of smoking that drug through a water pipe have not been able to be determined because the WHO researchers became "incredibly stoned" according to unpublished reports, and spent the rest of the day trying to dig the Keebler elves out of a miniature tree in the research facility's lobby.

Out Out Damn Trout

I've discovered something fishy about our new house. I suspected walleye but on closer examination it turns out to be a trout. I think it may be attracted to the wormwood but my wife points out it is a rainbow trout so it's probably house flies.

Ban the Burger (Future) King!

(TWO HOURS AGO) The eventual heir to the British monarchy has caused a royal row by suggesting that McDonald's be banned.
Prince Charles made the comment during a visit to the United Arab Emirates where he said outlawing the Oakbrook, Illinois-based fast-food giant would be "key" to improving the diet of his country's people, which before the arrival of sandwiches such as Big Mac and McRib, consisted of such healthy fare as fish and chips, blood pudding, clotted cream and gravy-laden Yorkshire pudding.
To replace the golden arches in the U.K., the prince is launching a healthy fast-food franchise called Burger Queen's in honor of his mother Queen Elizabeth II. The signature entrees will be a variety of salad bowls filled with a diner's choice of flax seed, raw vegetables and tofu. The prince said they would be listed o the menu as "Camilla Parker Bowls."

Paging Steve Guttenberg

Is it just me, or is this whole Anna Nicole baby-daddy thing a Bizarro-world parody of "Three Men and a Baby"? If you squint at the movie poster you can almost imagine legal eagle turned grieving companion Howard K. Stern channeled by the affable Steve Guttenberg.
If I were casting the remake I might swap out Tom Selleck for Jared Leto (or, better yet, Jay Mohr) to play Larry Birkhead, and convince Danson to lay off the Grecian Formula for a few weeks to more closely resemble third potential poppa Prince Frederick von Anhalt.
"They changed her diapers, she changed their lives." Indeed.
Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince von Anhalt holding Dannnielynn Hope Marshall Stern (left).

The Astronaut's Wife

What's better on a slow news day than a can of pepper spray, a BB gun and an adulterous astronaut wearing Depends? I'm not talking about the lame 1999 Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron flick, I'm talking about an honest-to-goodness astro-nut.
According to the Riff's sources, the space cadet in question, Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, went into orbit during a recent shuttle mission when fellow space cowboy, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, held his hand over the space shuttle port hole and told Nowak he had a present for her. According to court records, when Oefelein moved his hand to reveal the earth below, Nowak "felt weightless."
"I was just kidding around," Oefelein told the Riff. "And she took it seriously." Nowak apparently became obsessed with her fellow astronaut to the point that she attempted to abduct his girlfriend Colleen Shipman.
"In retrospect, it would have been a smarter idea to just sit home and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon over and over again," Nowak told the Riff.

Watch Out for the Iceberg, Slim

According to recent news reports, 'twas not the green onions but the lettuce that was responsible for the recent E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell.

Iraq Insurgency Apparently No Longer a Laughing Matter

[One minute ago] -- Walid Hassan, a comedian who had appeared on Al-Sharqiyah TV's "Caricature" show, which mocks coalition forces, insurgents, militias and Iraq's government, was shot dead by insurgents while driving his car in western Baghdad today the AP reports.
"No more funny business, I guess," said White House spokesman Tony Snow when asked about the impact of the actor and comedian's death.

The Hunt for White October

According to an AP report, the DEA and Costa Rican officials have intercepted a 50-foot homemade submarine packed with 3 tons of cocaine off Costa Rica's Pacific coast. The DEA would not release the names of the men taken into custody, but sources close to the investigation claim they are four British nationals known by the code names" "John," "Paul," George and "Ringo."
" We pulled the submarine over on Friday approximately 103 miles off the coast of Cabo Blanco in an area we call the Octopus's Garden," said Costa Rican Security Minister Fernando Berrocal. "For doing 100 knots in a 20 knot zone."
"The crew was acting real strange," said Berrocal. "One guy asked me if I wanted a revolution, and two seconds later the next guy asked me if I wanted to know a secret. Then the third one said all I needed was love. When the fourth fellow said he wanted to go back to the U.S.S.R. I became suspicious and placed them all under arrest."
Berrocal said authorities were still on the lookout for accomplices named by the crew including one Eleanor Rigby and a Sgt. Pepper. "That last one worries me," Berrocal told the Riff. "It suggests a contact within the military. But we'll break up this cartel with a little help from our friends."

Martha Stewart Grabs Guest's Nuts On Live TV

Let the "Babyshambles" Jokes Begin

AFR reports that British supermodel and on-screen consumer of Peruvian marching powder Kate Moss is pregnant by smack-shooting rehab-hopping Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. Rumors began to fly that the two would also be marrying soon when it was reported that the couple was spotted "shopping for a big rock" in the alleyways of London's tony Knightsbridge neighborhood.
When confronted, Doherty claimed he was simply trying to give Moss the "white wedding she often grinds her teeth and talks about." The couple will reportedly honeymoon in either Colombia or Afghanistan depending on laxity of local enforcement and seasonal harvest purity.

Actor to Legally Change Name to Wal-Mart Valderrama

In a bid to reach the widest possible demographic, the world's largest retailer, Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart has announced that it has secured naming rights to That '70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama who will be required to legally change his name to "Wal-Mart Valderrama" for the duration of the six-year contract.
In return, the Miami-born actor, who parlayed a role as foreign-exchange student Fez into a stint as Lindsay Lohan's boy-toy, will receive a lump-sum payment of $19 million and avoid a shame-spiral straight into the "where are they now?" files while he awaits such career-validating performances on the big screen as "security guard" in Unaccompanied Minors and Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen version of CHiPs.

Global Warming Is So Hot Right Now

No story here, just a funny headline that makes me feel like a copywriter for Kenneth Cole ads. I know, I know — I'm not the forst one to come up with it (I can Google too ...).

Wrigley Gives Wall Street Something to Chew On

Reuters reports that gum maker Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. named a non-Wrigley as president and chief executive officer for the first time in the company's history, surprising investors and sending stock prices up. The new man at the helm is former Nike Inc. CEO William Perez. "I feel like the chewing gum industry and footwear business share a common sole," Perez told business reporters after the announcement. "We've stuck together through thick and thin and scraped by as needed."
According to industry insiders, Perez' compensation package includes use of the nickname "Big Red" at company functions as well as custody of the Doublemint twins.

Group Outraged Over Endangered Mexican Gardeners

MALIBU, Calif.--A group calling itself the Malibu Residents for Affordable Landscaping held a protest here last week in response to a report that characterized the Mexican gardener -- considered a linchpin of the 'Bu aesthetic -- as a nearly extinct creature that required designation as an endangered species.
"They'll have to pry our gardeners' cold, dead hands from their long-handled rakes," said Chauncey Billups a Hollywood extra protesting on behalf of longtime Malibu Colony resident actor Michael Rappaport. When the crowd of 20 mostly unemployed Hollywood grips, gameshow writers and seat-fillers was informed that it was actually a Mexican garter snake that was endangered and not the immigrant workforce, they immediately dropped their picket signs and headed to a nearby Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a round of hard-earned Ice Blendeds.

Legless Muppets Teach Afghan Kids Land Mine Safety

The Christian Science Monitor reports that two of Jim Henson's original muppet-making team have joined forces with charities to educate Afghani children on the dangers of land mines strewn across the war torn landscape.
The original intent was to use the puppet/marionette hybrids in a story called "The Little Carpet Boy" — based loosely on the story of Pinocchio — but as the muppeteers unpacked their props in front of crowd of small children in downtown Kabul, it became clear that no storyline was needed.
"All of a sudden there was this god-awful wail," said Dan Jenks who voices Khalid the carpet boy and Elmer the Humvee driver. "And when I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of little brown faces with these wide, wide eyes." Jenks said the children were scared by the sight of the legless muppets lying on the ground.
"It freaked 'em out pretty hard so I seized the opportunity," Jenks said. "I told 'em they lost the legs because they didn't watch where they were going. Boy they turned greener than Kermit on a merry-go-round."
Jeanette Procopio, who voices the Ingrid the Red Cross nurse, Condi Rice and Heather Mills puppets, said she thought teaching life lessons through puppetry would be more difficult. "But these kids really seem to be taking the message to heart."

Watch Adam Beat the Pants Off Rummy

This personalized Levi's ad was part of my "research" for work -- and yeah, I guess the viral video thing works. If nothing else, it'll teach the Sec Def not to get all up on my 501s!

Airport Security Balks at "Harry" Reams

J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series, was reportedly in a dust-up with TSA officials in New York City over whether or not she could bring the manuscript to her latest book on board as carry-on luggage.
While Rowling characterized the incident as over-reaction to recent terrorist threats, TSA spokesman Dan Ketterling told reporters the manuscript was simply too large to fit in the overhead compartment or securely under the seat.
"The document in question was approximately four reams of 81/2 by 11-inch paper," said Ketterling. "For those of you unfamiliar with this archaic slighlty dirty sounding term, a ream is 20 quires of paper -- or approximately 500 sheets, making the entire manuscript - which I'm told is actually only half written -- about 2,000 pages."
Rowling said that if she was not allowed to board with her "Harry" reams, she would be forced to fire up her trusty Nimbus 3000 (pictured).
"She was a bit of a witch about the whole thing," Ketterling commented.

Astronomers Discover "Puffy" Planet in Celestial Nightclub

According to the Associated Press, astronomers have discovered what's being described as a "puffy planet" -- the largest and least dense such body discovered outside our solar system. Previously thought to be a star in the J. Lo system, scientists describe the planet as having a surface littered with bright rocks and an interior composed primarily of Cristal. "It has one very unique characteristic," said Dr. Asif Syed of the International Astronomer's Union. "That's a closely orbiting moon which casts a penumbra over the planet's surface, keeping it cool all year long." Syed said the IAU has dubbed the satellite "Farnsworth."
Shortly after the discovery, a rep for the planet announced to the media that the celestial body preferred to be known simply as "Diddy."

Rice Urges Sudan to Accept UN Force by "Relaxing and Thinking of Baseball"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today urged Sudan "in the strongest possible terms" to let U.N. enter its troubled Darfur region. A source in the office of Sudan's Foreign Minister Lam Akol told reporters that Rice suggested that "a few stiff drinks" might make it seem like a more appealing proposition.
"Then she said if that didn't work then the best thing Sudan could do is simply drop her defenses and take like a soverign nation because the U.N. was entering the region one way or the other. Then she mumbled something about leaning back and thinking about baseball."
In a White House press conference today, Rice denied ever making such a threat but said the U.N. would be justified in any attempt to enter the country.
"We all agree that under the right economic conditions it's got a rather attractive border," she said. "And let's face it, Sudan is practically begging for a little cross-border action. No wonder there's been such an intense build up of international pressure."
A full transcript of Rice's speech will be aired later tonight on the country's Khartoum Network

Why Diddy Do it? Combs U.K. Moniker Gone in a Puffy

Apparently two Diddys in the United Kingdom is one Diddy too many. The many-nicknamed rapper, producer and fashion mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has settled a British court case by agreeing not to use his most recent sobriquet in England.
The settlement with London-based music producer Richard "Diddy" Dearlove prevents Combs from using the name for commerical activities in that country. Luckily Combs has a deep bench of alternative names to draw on and has told the Associated Press he may even take the opportunity to create some new ones from scratch specifically for the U.K. Sources close to Combs' camp have leaked the following short list:
Sean Féin
Sir Cumference
£
The Thin Black Duke
Stang
Baron Down
Tony Flair
Whiggy
Ozkar 2Wild
The Aristo-Cat
Bartleby
Dane
Pierced Brosnan
Lord E
Crown Royal

Desire for a Little In-N-Out Burns Paris Hilton

Celebutante Paris Hilton was busted for DUI early this morning after driving erratically in Hollywood. According to published reports, the socialite, who in the past has appeared in TV ads wrapping her lips around a juicy Carl's Jr. burger, had poured a single margarita down her throat before climbing behind the wheel in pursuit of an In-N-Out burger.
Sources close to incident say that shortly after Hilton blew into a Breathalyzer at the scene of the traffic stop, a spokesman for the Breathalyzer announced plans to sell videos of the late-night encounter via the Internet.

Rumsfeld Apparently Not Using Head or Shoulders

WASHINGTON, DC -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday to repair a torn rotator cuff, a result of consistent and repetitive shrugging off of war-related criticism, said his doctors.
"Look, the man's 74," said Dr. Ellis Danvers who operated on Rumsfeld's left shoulder at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington. "And he's been shouldering the blame on this Iraq thing for quite a long time." The U.S. General Accounting Office placed the overall cost of Rumsfeld's repeated deflection of criticism at nearly $44 billion. "And counting," said Danvers. "I hope he's enrolled in the revised Medicare prescription drug coverage plan because this is going to take along time to heal."

Crocodile Hunter's Death: Stingray or Red Herring?

Too bad about that crocodile hunter's getting killed. They say it was a fluke, but, having read the story closely four times now, I still contend it was the stingray. -- Tom Quinn
Note: The Riff will include riffed-from-the-headline guest editorials when they are deemed funnier than anything he could come up with. Thanks TQ.