Out Out Damn Trout

I've discovered something fishy about our new house. I suspected walleye but on closer examination it turns out to be a trout. I think it may be attracted to the wormwood but my wife points out it is a rainbow trout so it's probably house flies.

Ban the Burger (Future) King!

(TWO HOURS AGO) The eventual heir to the British monarchy has caused a royal row by suggesting that McDonald's be banned.
Prince Charles made the comment during a visit to the United Arab Emirates where he said outlawing the Oakbrook, Illinois-based fast-food giant would be "key" to improving the diet of his country's people, which before the arrival of sandwiches such as Big Mac and McRib, consisted of such healthy fare as fish and chips, blood pudding, clotted cream and gravy-laden Yorkshire pudding.
To replace the golden arches in the U.K., the prince is launching a healthy fast-food franchise called Burger Queen's in honor of his mother Queen Elizabeth II. The signature entrees will be a variety of salad bowls filled with a diner's choice of flax seed, raw vegetables and tofu. The prince said they would be listed o the menu as "Camilla Parker Bowls."

Paging Steve Guttenberg

Is it just me, or is this whole Anna Nicole baby-daddy thing a Bizarro-world parody of "Three Men and a Baby"? If you squint at the movie poster you can almost imagine legal eagle turned grieving companion Howard K. Stern channeled by the affable Steve Guttenberg.
If I were casting the remake I might swap out Tom Selleck for Jared Leto (or, better yet, Jay Mohr) to play Larry Birkhead, and convince Danson to lay off the Grecian Formula for a few weeks to more closely resemble third potential poppa Prince Frederick von Anhalt.
"They changed her diapers, she changed their lives." Indeed.
Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince von Anhalt holding Dannnielynn Hope Marshall Stern (left).

The Astronaut's Wife

What's better on a slow news day than a can of pepper spray, a BB gun and an adulterous astronaut wearing Depends? I'm not talking about the lame 1999 Johnny Depp/Charlize Theron flick, I'm talking about an honest-to-goodness astro-nut.
According to the Riff's sources, the space cadet in question, Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, went into orbit during a recent shuttle mission when fellow space cowboy, Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, held his hand over the space shuttle port hole and told Nowak he had a present for her. According to court records, when Oefelein moved his hand to reveal the earth below, Nowak "felt weightless."
"I was just kidding around," Oefelein told the Riff. "And she took it seriously." Nowak apparently became obsessed with her fellow astronaut to the point that she attempted to abduct his girlfriend Colleen Shipman.
"In retrospect, it would have been a smarter idea to just sit home and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon over and over again," Nowak told the Riff.

Watch Out for the Iceberg, Slim

According to recent news reports, 'twas not the green onions but the lettuce that was responsible for the recent E. coli outbreak at Taco Bell.

Iraq Insurgency Apparently No Longer a Laughing Matter

[One minute ago] -- Walid Hassan, a comedian who had appeared on Al-Sharqiyah TV's "Caricature" show, which mocks coalition forces, insurgents, militias and Iraq's government, was shot dead by insurgents while driving his car in western Baghdad today the AP reports.
"No more funny business, I guess," said White House spokesman Tony Snow when asked about the impact of the actor and comedian's death.

The Hunt for White October

According to an AP report, the DEA and Costa Rican officials have intercepted a 50-foot homemade submarine packed with 3 tons of cocaine off Costa Rica's Pacific coast. The DEA would not release the names of the men taken into custody, but sources close to the investigation claim they are four British nationals known by the code names" "John," "Paul," George and "Ringo."
" We pulled the submarine over on Friday approximately 103 miles off the coast of Cabo Blanco in an area we call the Octopus's Garden," said Costa Rican Security Minister Fernando Berrocal. "For doing 100 knots in a 20 knot zone."
"The crew was acting real strange," said Berrocal. "One guy asked me if I wanted a revolution, and two seconds later the next guy asked me if I wanted to know a secret. Then the third one said all I needed was love. When the fourth fellow said he wanted to go back to the U.S.S.R. I became suspicious and placed them all under arrest."
Berrocal said authorities were still on the lookout for accomplices named by the crew including one Eleanor Rigby and a Sgt. Pepper. "That last one worries me," Berrocal told the Riff. "It suggests a contact within the military. But we'll break up this cartel with a little help from our friends."

Martha Stewart Grabs Guest's Nuts On Live TV

Let the "Babyshambles" Jokes Begin

AFR reports that British supermodel and on-screen consumer of Peruvian marching powder Kate Moss is pregnant by smack-shooting rehab-hopping Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. Rumors began to fly that the two would also be marrying soon when it was reported that the couple was spotted "shopping for a big rock" in the alleyways of London's tony Knightsbridge neighborhood.
When confronted, Doherty claimed he was simply trying to give Moss the "white wedding she often grinds her teeth and talks about." The couple will reportedly honeymoon in either Colombia or Afghanistan depending on laxity of local enforcement and seasonal harvest purity.

Actor to Legally Change Name to Wal-Mart Valderrama

In a bid to reach the widest possible demographic, the world's largest retailer, Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart has announced that it has secured naming rights to That '70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama who will be required to legally change his name to "Wal-Mart Valderrama" for the duration of the six-year contract.
In return, the Miami-born actor, who parlayed a role as foreign-exchange student Fez into a stint as Lindsay Lohan's boy-toy, will receive a lump-sum payment of $19 million and avoid a shame-spiral straight into the "where are they now?" files while he awaits such career-validating performances on the big screen as "security guard" in Unaccompanied Minors and Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen version of CHiPs.

Global Warming Is So Hot Right Now

No story here, just a funny headline that makes me feel like a copywriter for Kenneth Cole ads. I know, I know — I'm not the forst one to come up with it (I can Google too ...).

Wrigley Gives Wall Street Something to Chew On

Reuters reports that gum maker Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. named a non-Wrigley as president and chief executive officer for the first time in the company's history, surprising investors and sending stock prices up. The new man at the helm is former Nike Inc. CEO William Perez. "I feel like the chewing gum industry and footwear business share a common sole," Perez told business reporters after the announcement. "We've stuck together through thick and thin and scraped by as needed."
According to industry insiders, Perez' compensation package includes use of the nickname "Big Red" at company functions as well as custody of the Doublemint twins.

Group Outraged Over Endangered Mexican Gardeners

MALIBU, Calif.--A group calling itself the Malibu Residents for Affordable Landscaping held a protest here last week in response to a report that characterized the Mexican gardener -- considered a linchpin of the 'Bu aesthetic -- as a nearly extinct creature that required designation as an endangered species.
"They'll have to pry our gardeners' cold, dead hands from their long-handled rakes," said Chauncey Billups a Hollywood extra protesting on behalf of longtime Malibu Colony resident actor Michael Rappaport. When the crowd of 20 mostly unemployed Hollywood grips, gameshow writers and seat-fillers was informed that it was actually a Mexican garter snake that was endangered and not the immigrant workforce, they immediately dropped their picket signs and headed to a nearby Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a round of hard-earned Ice Blendeds.

Legless Muppets Teach Afghan Kids Land Mine Safety

The Christian Science Monitor reports that two of Jim Henson's original muppet-making team have joined forces with charities to educate Afghani children on the dangers of land mines strewn across the war torn landscape.
The original intent was to use the puppet/marionette hybrids in a story called "The Little Carpet Boy" — based loosely on the story of Pinocchio — but as the muppeteers unpacked their props in front of crowd of small children in downtown Kabul, it became clear that no storyline was needed.
"All of a sudden there was this god-awful wail," said Dan Jenks who voices Khalid the carpet boy and Elmer the Humvee driver. "And when I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of little brown faces with these wide, wide eyes." Jenks said the children were scared by the sight of the legless muppets lying on the ground.
"It freaked 'em out pretty hard so I seized the opportunity," Jenks said. "I told 'em they lost the legs because they didn't watch where they were going. Boy they turned greener than Kermit on a merry-go-round."
Jeanette Procopio, who voices the Ingrid the Red Cross nurse, Condi Rice and Heather Mills puppets, said she thought teaching life lessons through puppetry would be more difficult. "But these kids really seem to be taking the message to heart."

Watch Adam Beat the Pants Off Rummy

This personalized Levi's ad was part of my "research" for work -- and yeah, I guess the viral video thing works. If nothing else, it'll teach the Sec Def not to get all up on my 501s!

Airport Security Balks at "Harry" Reams

J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series, was reportedly in a dust-up with TSA officials in New York City over whether or not she could bring the manuscript to her latest book on board as carry-on luggage.
While Rowling characterized the incident as over-reaction to recent terrorist threats, TSA spokesman Dan Ketterling told reporters the manuscript was simply too large to fit in the overhead compartment or securely under the seat.
"The document in question was approximately four reams of 81/2 by 11-inch paper," said Ketterling. "For those of you unfamiliar with this archaic slighlty dirty sounding term, a ream is 20 quires of paper -- or approximately 500 sheets, making the entire manuscript - which I'm told is actually only half written -- about 2,000 pages."
Rowling said that if she was not allowed to board with her "Harry" reams, she would be forced to fire up her trusty Nimbus 3000 (pictured).
"She was a bit of a witch about the whole thing," Ketterling commented.

Astronomers Discover "Puffy" Planet in Celestial Nightclub

According to the Associated Press, astronomers have discovered what's being described as a "puffy planet" -- the largest and least dense such body discovered outside our solar system. Previously thought to be a star in the J. Lo system, scientists describe the planet as having a surface littered with bright rocks and an interior composed primarily of Cristal. "It has one very unique characteristic," said Dr. Asif Syed of the International Astronomer's Union. "That's a closely orbiting moon which casts a penumbra over the planet's surface, keeping it cool all year long." Syed said the IAU has dubbed the satellite "Farnsworth."
Shortly after the discovery, a rep for the planet announced to the media that the celestial body preferred to be known simply as "Diddy."

Rice Urges Sudan to Accept UN Force by "Relaxing and Thinking of Baseball"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today urged Sudan "in the strongest possible terms" to let U.N. enter its troubled Darfur region. A source in the office of Sudan's Foreign Minister Lam Akol told reporters that Rice suggested that "a few stiff drinks" might make it seem like a more appealing proposition.
"Then she said if that didn't work then the best thing Sudan could do is simply drop her defenses and take like a soverign nation because the U.N. was entering the region one way or the other. Then she mumbled something about leaning back and thinking about baseball."
In a White House press conference today, Rice denied ever making such a threat but said the U.N. would be justified in any attempt to enter the country.
"We all agree that under the right economic conditions it's got a rather attractive border," she said. "And let's face it, Sudan is practically begging for a little cross-border action. No wonder there's been such an intense build up of international pressure."
A full transcript of Rice's speech will be aired later tonight on the country's Khartoum Network

Why Diddy Do it? Combs U.K. Moniker Gone in a Puffy

Apparently two Diddys in the United Kingdom is one Diddy too many. The many-nicknamed rapper, producer and fashion mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has settled a British court case by agreeing not to use his most recent sobriquet in England.
The settlement with London-based music producer Richard "Diddy" Dearlove prevents Combs from using the name for commerical activities in that country. Luckily Combs has a deep bench of alternative names to draw on and has told the Associated Press he may even take the opportunity to create some new ones from scratch specifically for the U.K. Sources close to Combs' camp have leaked the following short list:
Sean Féin
Sir Cumference
£
The Thin Black Duke
Stang
Baron Down
Tony Flair
Whiggy
Ozkar 2Wild
The Aristo-Cat
Bartleby
Dane
Pierced Brosnan
Lord E
Crown Royal

Desire for a Little In-N-Out Burns Paris Hilton

Celebutante Paris Hilton was busted for DUI early this morning after driving erratically in Hollywood. According to published reports, the socialite, who in the past has appeared in TV ads wrapping her lips around a juicy Carl's Jr. burger, had poured a single margarita down her throat before climbing behind the wheel in pursuit of an In-N-Out burger.
Sources close to incident say that shortly after Hilton blew into a Breathalyzer at the scene of the traffic stop, a spokesman for the Breathalyzer announced plans to sell videos of the late-night encounter via the Internet.