Climate Change, Not Humans, Killed Wooly Mammoths

After an apparent mix-up in identification by key witnesses, mankind is released with an apology from authorities as an arrest warrant is issued for the rogue weather systems. "It blows hot and cold," LAPD Chief Bill Bratton said of the climate. "And officers should take every precaution. You never know which way the wind blows." He encouraged officers to dress in layers and bring a change of shoes when approaching the suspect.

Apple Swipes Fruit of Beatles Labor

A high-stakes legal tussle over trademarked fruit has ended in favor of Apple Computer Inc. A British judge ruled that the Cuperino, Calif.-based computer maker's use of the iconic rainbow-striped, one-bite-missing apple logo on its iTunes Music Store is in violation of a 1991 agreement with Apple Corps Ltd., the British concern responsible for the rights to the Beatles' music -- which uses a green and unbitten apple logo.
The case was decided on a highly technical issue that involved the intersection of trademark law and pomology according to British barrister Nial Cortland. "We horribly misunderestimated the American public's ability to distinguish between different apple varieties. Once Apple's expert explained that the fruit in their logo was a McIntosh -- which even the youngest school child in America can tell you has white, tender, crisp flesh that's highly aromatic, and full of juice and is the principal cider apple in the Northeast U.S. -- we knew we were in trouble."
The most damaging testimony came under cross-examination when former Beatle Ringo Starr, from the witness stand, was able to clearly distinguish between the two despite wearing dark sunglasses and appearing visibly impaired.
"It's a bloody Granny Smith," the drummer told the London High Court when shown Apple Corps' logo. "They're harvested a full month after the McIntosh for god's sake -- a tart but not sour apple that holds up well in cold storage." Starr then spent forty-five minutes tracing the cultivation history of the variety back to 1868 when it first sprouted from a pile of apples tossed on a southern Australian garbage heap by one Mrs. Smith.
Apple Computer's U.K. attorney, Sir Derek Newtown-Pippin, declined ot comment on the outcome beyond characterizing it as "plucking justly deserved fruits from the orchard of intellectual property."

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Bill Gates Doesn't Want to Be World's Richest Man

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, whose personal fortune of nearly $50 billion makes him the wealthiest individual on the planet, recently told CNBC's Donny Deutsch he wished he wasn't the world's richest man.
In an unexpected ourpouring of support, individuals and groups from around the world have flooded the Redmond, Washington, offices of Microsoft with offers of support for the beleagured billionaire. Among them:

The Nigerian Business Roundtable whose letter read, in part, "your checking account number is required so that we may verify your complaint."

Anna Nicole Smith who called "just to say hey" and invite him out for pizza and a lap-dance "next time Melinda's out helping orphans or whatever."

The Coca-Cola Company which requested the funds so they could "finally buy the world a Coke."

Michael Jackson who, in exchange will give up some Beatles albums, a ranch outside of Santa Barbara and half interest in Tito.

37 Million Americans Living Below the Poverty Line who, in words you can't say on TV, said they wouldn't mind feeling his pain.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Vermont Beta Chapter, Burlington, Vt., which has pledged to use the funds to bolster the quality of its alcohol awareness program. "We'll start by producing a 30-minute three-camera video of Jenna Jameson doing beer bongs, followed by a nine-day, cocaine-fueled Jaegermeister and Schlitz bender," said chapter president Dane "the Dude" Mendoza. "At the end we'll be like -- hey kids don't do that. I think it might just work -- maybe not the first time but eventually. We won't know until we try."

Dame Edna Punches Papparazo

The Associated Press reports that 72-year-old actor Barry Humphries, better known as the Dame Edna Everage character he portrays, belted a freelance photographer outside a Sydney restaurant Wednesday.

According to the filed police report, no injuries were sustained as Humphries "hit like a girl."

A Bigger Bonk -- Stones Guitarist Falls From Tree

On vacation in Fiji, Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion after falling out of a palm tree he allegedly climbed in pursuit of coconuts.
Already accustomed to being out of his tree, Richards -- a cigarette still dangling from his lips -- continued to play "Jumpin' Jack Flash" according to witnesses at the scene.
In an unrelated story, a spider monkey has been arrrested for heroin possession after arriving at London's Heathrow Airport. Authorities discovered the illicit drugs after the monkey began flinging its feces at Stones frontman Mick Jagger while disembarking from an Air New Zealand flight.

Human Flesh Found in Indiana Burger

How long 'til they start with "TGI Fingers" jokes? Not long at all, not long at all.

Dining on Digits