Let the "Babyshambles" Jokes Begin

AFR reports that British supermodel and on-screen consumer of Peruvian marching powder Kate Moss is pregnant by smack-shooting rehab-hopping Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty. Rumors began to fly that the two would also be marrying soon when it was reported that the couple was spotted "shopping for a big rock" in the alleyways of London's tony Knightsbridge neighborhood.
When confronted, Doherty claimed he was simply trying to give Moss the "white wedding she often grinds her teeth and talks about." The couple will reportedly honeymoon in either Colombia or Afghanistan depending on laxity of local enforcement and seasonal harvest purity.

Actor to Legally Change Name to Wal-Mart Valderrama

In a bid to reach the widest possible demographic, the world's largest retailer, Bentonville, Arkansas-based Wal-Mart has announced that it has secured naming rights to That '70s Show actor Wilmer Valderrama who will be required to legally change his name to "Wal-Mart Valderrama" for the duration of the six-year contract.
In return, the Miami-born actor, who parlayed a role as foreign-exchange student Fez into a stint as Lindsay Lohan's boy-toy, will receive a lump-sum payment of $19 million and avoid a shame-spiral straight into the "where are they now?" files while he awaits such career-validating performances on the big screen as "security guard" in Unaccompanied Minors and Francis "Ponch" Poncherello in a big-screen version of CHiPs.

Global Warming Is So Hot Right Now

No story here, just a funny headline that makes me feel like a copywriter for Kenneth Cole ads. I know, I know — I'm not the forst one to come up with it (I can Google too ...).

Wrigley Gives Wall Street Something to Chew On

Reuters reports that gum maker Wm. Wrigley Jr. Co. named a non-Wrigley as president and chief executive officer for the first time in the company's history, surprising investors and sending stock prices up. The new man at the helm is former Nike Inc. CEO William Perez. "I feel like the chewing gum industry and footwear business share a common sole," Perez told business reporters after the announcement. "We've stuck together through thick and thin and scraped by as needed."
According to industry insiders, Perez' compensation package includes use of the nickname "Big Red" at company functions as well as custody of the Doublemint twins.

Group Outraged Over Endangered Mexican Gardeners

MALIBU, Calif.--A group calling itself the Malibu Residents for Affordable Landscaping held a protest here last week in response to a report that characterized the Mexican gardener -- considered a linchpin of the 'Bu aesthetic -- as a nearly extinct creature that required designation as an endangered species.
"They'll have to pry our gardeners' cold, dead hands from their long-handled rakes," said Chauncey Billups a Hollywood extra protesting on behalf of longtime Malibu Colony resident actor Michael Rappaport. When the crowd of 20 mostly unemployed Hollywood grips, gameshow writers and seat-fillers was informed that it was actually a Mexican garter snake that was endangered and not the immigrant workforce, they immediately dropped their picket signs and headed to a nearby Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a round of hard-earned Ice Blendeds.

Legless Muppets Teach Afghan Kids Land Mine Safety

The Christian Science Monitor reports that two of Jim Henson's original muppet-making team have joined forces with charities to educate Afghani children on the dangers of land mines strewn across the war torn landscape.
The original intent was to use the puppet/marionette hybrids in a story called "The Little Carpet Boy" — based loosely on the story of Pinocchio — but as the muppeteers unpacked their props in front of crowd of small children in downtown Kabul, it became clear that no storyline was needed.
"All of a sudden there was this god-awful wail," said Dan Jenks who voices Khalid the carpet boy and Elmer the Humvee driver. "And when I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of little brown faces with these wide, wide eyes." Jenks said the children were scared by the sight of the legless muppets lying on the ground.
"It freaked 'em out pretty hard so I seized the opportunity," Jenks said. "I told 'em they lost the legs because they didn't watch where they were going. Boy they turned greener than Kermit on a merry-go-round."
Jeanette Procopio, who voices the Ingrid the Red Cross nurse, Condi Rice and Heather Mills puppets, said she thought teaching life lessons through puppetry would be more difficult. "But these kids really seem to be taking the message to heart."

Watch Adam Beat the Pants Off Rummy

This personalized Levi's ad was part of my "research" for work -- and yeah, I guess the viral video thing works. If nothing else, it'll teach the Sec Def not to get all up on my 501s!

Airport Security Balks at "Harry" Reams

J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series, was reportedly in a dust-up with TSA officials in New York City over whether or not she could bring the manuscript to her latest book on board as carry-on luggage.
While Rowling characterized the incident as over-reaction to recent terrorist threats, TSA spokesman Dan Ketterling told reporters the manuscript was simply too large to fit in the overhead compartment or securely under the seat.
"The document in question was approximately four reams of 81/2 by 11-inch paper," said Ketterling. "For those of you unfamiliar with this archaic slighlty dirty sounding term, a ream is 20 quires of paper -- or approximately 500 sheets, making the entire manuscript - which I'm told is actually only half written -- about 2,000 pages."
Rowling said that if she was not allowed to board with her "Harry" reams, she would be forced to fire up her trusty Nimbus 3000 (pictured).
"She was a bit of a witch about the whole thing," Ketterling commented.

Astronomers Discover "Puffy" Planet in Celestial Nightclub

According to the Associated Press, astronomers have discovered what's being described as a "puffy planet" -- the largest and least dense such body discovered outside our solar system. Previously thought to be a star in the J. Lo system, scientists describe the planet as having a surface littered with bright rocks and an interior composed primarily of Cristal. "It has one very unique characteristic," said Dr. Asif Syed of the International Astronomer's Union. "That's a closely orbiting moon which casts a penumbra over the planet's surface, keeping it cool all year long." Syed said the IAU has dubbed the satellite "Farnsworth."
Shortly after the discovery, a rep for the planet announced to the media that the celestial body preferred to be known simply as "Diddy."

Rice Urges Sudan to Accept UN Force by "Relaxing and Thinking of Baseball"

U.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today urged Sudan "in the strongest possible terms" to let U.N. enter its troubled Darfur region. A source in the office of Sudan's Foreign Minister Lam Akol told reporters that Rice suggested that "a few stiff drinks" might make it seem like a more appealing proposition.
"Then she said if that didn't work then the best thing Sudan could do is simply drop her defenses and take like a soverign nation because the U.N. was entering the region one way or the other. Then she mumbled something about leaning back and thinking about baseball."
In a White House press conference today, Rice denied ever making such a threat but said the U.N. would be justified in any attempt to enter the country.
"We all agree that under the right economic conditions it's got a rather attractive border," she said. "And let's face it, Sudan is practically begging for a little cross-border action. No wonder there's been such an intense build up of international pressure."
A full transcript of Rice's speech will be aired later tonight on the country's Khartoum Network

Why Diddy Do it? Combs U.K. Moniker Gone in a Puffy

Apparently two Diddys in the United Kingdom is one Diddy too many. The many-nicknamed rapper, producer and fashion mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs has settled a British court case by agreeing not to use his most recent sobriquet in England.
The settlement with London-based music producer Richard "Diddy" Dearlove prevents Combs from using the name for commerical activities in that country. Luckily Combs has a deep bench of alternative names to draw on and has told the Associated Press he may even take the opportunity to create some new ones from scratch specifically for the U.K. Sources close to Combs' camp have leaked the following short list:
Sean Féin
Sir Cumference
£
The Thin Black Duke
Stang
Baron Down
Tony Flair
Whiggy
Ozkar 2Wild
The Aristo-Cat
Bartleby
Dane
Pierced Brosnan
Lord E
Crown Royal

Desire for a Little In-N-Out Burns Paris Hilton

Celebutante Paris Hilton was busted for DUI early this morning after driving erratically in Hollywood. According to published reports, the socialite, who in the past has appeared in TV ads wrapping her lips around a juicy Carl's Jr. burger, had poured a single margarita down her throat before climbing behind the wheel in pursuit of an In-N-Out burger.
Sources close to incident say that shortly after Hilton blew into a Breathalyzer at the scene of the traffic stop, a spokesman for the Breathalyzer announced plans to sell videos of the late-night encounter via the Internet.

Rumsfeld Apparently Not Using Head or Shoulders

WASHINGTON, DC -- Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld underwent successful shoulder surgery Tuesday to repair a torn rotator cuff, a result of consistent and repetitive shrugging off of war-related criticism, said his doctors.
"Look, the man's 74," said Dr. Ellis Danvers who operated on Rumsfeld's left shoulder at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington. "And he's been shouldering the blame on this Iraq thing for quite a long time." The U.S. General Accounting Office placed the overall cost of Rumsfeld's repeated deflection of criticism at nearly $44 billion. "And counting," said Danvers. "I hope he's enrolled in the revised Medicare prescription drug coverage plan because this is going to take along time to heal."

Crocodile Hunter's Death: Stingray or Red Herring?

Too bad about that crocodile hunter's getting killed. They say it was a fluke, but, having read the story closely four times now, I still contend it was the stingray. -- Tom Quinn
Note: The Riff will include riffed-from-the-headline guest editorials when they are deemed funnier than anything he could come up with. Thanks TQ.

New TSA Rules Result in Banning Half of Each Passenger

The TSA's new rules that prohibit bringing liquids on board commercial airline flights has had the unintended result of banning most of each passenger.
"It has come to our attention that the average human body is 50 to 65 percent water," said Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff. "That's roughly 45 quarts of contraband."
According to the Boston Globe, men are more watery than women (60 to 65 percent water as opposed to 50 to 60 percent) while infants top out at around 70 percent. "That practically makes them little dirty bombs," Chertoff said in a recent meeting with officials at LAX.
Since human blood is 83 percent water, bones are 22 percent water and muscle is 75 percent water, Chertoff said he didn't think there was any efficient way - short of cremation - to separate the liquids from the solids. "And if we do that, the terrorists really have won."
Gunther von Hagens, the German anatomist and creator of the Body Worlds exhibit has offered his plastination process -- which replaces all water in the human body with silicone -- free of charge. "This will render the passenger completely liquid-free," von Hagens told the Riff. "But still completely life like."

Star Trek Convention to Draw Thousands ...

... of single people.

Liqui-Gel Industry Hardest Hit By New Airline Restrictions

The worldwide airline restrictions banning liquids and gels from carry-on luggage in the aftermath of a foiled terrorist attempt yesterday, has had a doubly devastating affect on the liqui-gel industry, pushing Wyeth Consumer Healthcare, maker of Advil Liqui-Gel headache medication, Allergan the manufacturer of Refresh Liquigel Eye Drops and Gas-X, which makes a gas-relief liquigel, to the edge of bankruptcy.
"We'll just have to go back to the drawing board," said Stan Bevins, an spokesman for the Gelatinous-Liquid Industry Board (GLIB), which represents the makers of such products. "If we can't find a way to alleviate migraines, moisten eyes and prevent flatulence at 35,000 feet, then the terrorists really have won."

Robin Williams Enters Rehab for Alcohol Abuse

In other entertainment news, Mel Gibson announces his next project will be a remake of "Patch Adams."

'Mysterious' Bush Weight Gain Explained

After receiving his annual physical at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., it was reported that President Bush had gained a little over four pounds in the last year. Though hardly a matter of national security, the mysterious weight gain of our jogging, bike-riding, brush-clearing 196-pound commander-in-chief has been the source of much speculation.
Speculate no more! The Riff has been granted exclusive access to the president's confidential health records which list the component parts of the president's the excess baggage:

Weight of "Jeb in '08" button in left pocket - .5 ounces.
Weight of word-a-day pocket calendar in right breast pocket -- 3 ounces
Weight of yellow "Live Strong" bracelet on right wrist -- .5 ounce
Weight of massage oil (1 tube) with attached handwritten note to "A. Merkel" - 1 ounce
Weight of guilt over getting country into war under false pretenses - 3 pounds 11 ounces*

* Doctor's handwritten note advises president that this weight may either increase with time or cause a layer of callus to accumulate around his heart.

Band "Elastic Loaves" Forced to Sue Iran for Trademark Infringement

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered government and cultural organizations to use Persian words and phrases in place of foreign ones it was recently reported.
The most commonly cited example of the last news cycle was the use of the phrase "elastic loaves" to replace the word "pizza."
The peculiar word choice has had an unintended effect on a Brockport, New York, psychedelic muscial concern which has performed as "The Elastic Loaves" for the last 40 years. "Our site's been getting hits like crazy," said theremin player Derek "Cully" Cullinan. "We have attracted this amount of attention since we released our debut album 'Roadkill/Landfill' in '65."
Despite the media attention, Cullinan says he and 39 of the 41 members of the musical collective have decided to sue Iran for trademark infringement. "It doesn't seem right that we've kneaded the dough and let it rise all these years and this guy Sinbad comes in and punches it down." Cullian said the conch shell player and didgeridooist have opted out, electing to pursue legal action separately.
Barring a prohibition on Iran's use of the term, the Elastic Loaves hope a monetary settlement wil allow them to release their second album sometime next year. "But by then we may have to call ourselves 'Pizza'," mused Cullinan.