Project Cubbins: Hat Ten

Day Ten / Hat Ten: A garlic bulb hat from the Gilroy Garlic Festival circa 1997 or 1998. The bride and I visited the famous festival when she was writing about all things California early in her career at the paper.

The memory is hazy but I recall eating garlic ice cream and dancing with a bunch of lovely garlic-laden ladies who called themselves "the Clovettes."

This hat doesn't get much wearing, but I suppose if I worked in a pizza parlor it would make for a good sight gag.

ALSO:
Project Cubbins: Hat Nine
Garlic Galore: 17 outrageous ways to use garlic
Top 10 Things to do at the Gilroy Garlic Festival

The Whiteboard Chronicles: "Where We're Going" Edition

You know you missed it. The whiteboard hasn't really been the same since our cube farm has been moved from its board-adjacency. Even though we had to leave this one up for awhile, it ended up with some good responses.

Our favorites? "To Scarborough Fair," and the super-awesome vintage-dancing-candy-and-movie-theater-snack-referring "Let's all go the lobby, let's all go to the lobby."

Well-played,  anonymous whiteboarder well-played.

ALSO:
The Whiteboard Chronicles: More Funny Band Names
The Whiteboard Chronicles: Mythical Fonts
The Whiteboard Chronicles: Dead & Gone

Project Cubbins: Hat Nine

Day Nine / Hat Nine: Old Navy brown corduroy baseball-style cap with VERMONT '79 spelled out in orange and white embroidery.

The bride bought me this hat several years ago and it makes me laugh since I'm pretty sure I'm one of the very few wearers of said cap that actually remembers Vermont in 1979. If my math serves me correctly, I was still a freshman at Arlington Memorial High School and had yet to darken the doorstep of  Vermont Academy.

If you were there, what were you doing?

And yes, as a side note, it is another baseball cap. Trust me, you're going to see a lot of repeat silhouettes/styles before this is all done, but no repeat hats. But there's also some fun stuff queued up on the hat rack.  Oh, and if anyone has access to an antique diving helmet like the one at right, a co-worker brought up the idea and now I'm hooked on it.

ALSO:

Project Cubbins: Hat Eight
President Obama gets a taste of Coachella in Vermont
NYFW: Gant by Michael Bastian goes ski tripping in the Green Mountains

Project Cubbins: Hat Eight

Day Eight / Hat Eight: Textured knit ivy cap in beige. The only thing I know for sure about this hat is that it's a Kangol (favored headgear of one Mr. Samuel L. Jackson). It seems to be similar to -- but not exactly the same as -- the Zag 507.

The funny thing is, the only thing on the tag inside this hat (aside from the Kangol name and kangaroo logo) is the word "blue."

It is most certainly not blue. If it was, rest assured  there'd be an "Arrested Development" joke here.

ALSO:
Project Cubbins: Hat Seven
MAGIC  trade show: Kangol hats go high-tech
Helpful hint: Make a man's hat fit better -- with Velcro

Project Cubbins: Hat Seven

Day Seven / Hat Seven: Since it's Sunday I thought I'd go with one of the fun ones.

Meet what's known around these parts as "the baby hat." No one is quite sure where it originally came from but it's been part of the collection for quite some time and is a definitely an infant-appropriate chapeau.

This hat is light gray cotton and screen-printed with the words: "The Silverspoon Baby" (which you can't see) on one side) and "I was born with one" on the other (if you look hard enough you can make out the words "born with" in the above photo.

It is most often worn for comic effect but, due to its natural absorbency, has, in a pinch, been substituted for a sweat band when hitting the Garlodge gym.

ALSO:
Project Cubbins: Hat Six
Project Cubbins: Hat Five
Project Cubbins: Hat One

Project Cubbins: Hat Six

Day Six/ Hat Six: Black baseball-style cap embroidered with: "Where the Hell is Sandgate, VT?" above 'Wayside Country Store," which isn't technically the answer to the question at all. 

Sandgate is my hometown and it's actually adjacent to Arlington, Vermont, where the Wayside Country Store is located (and has been for more than 220 years). The store sells the hat -- or at least did at one time. My family has owned and operated said store for more than two decades.

If you stop by, tell 'em Adam sent you -- they'll probably put you right to work.

ALSO:

Project Cubbins: Hat Five

Pantone, watch your back: A colorful look at UVM

"Real Vermonters" via a 1985 article in the L.A. Times

Project Cubbins: Hat Five

Day Five / Hat Five: Black knit cap embroidered with the store name Kyle by Alene Too. The first in what will be many in the "knit cap" series, this little number showed up in the office one day and gets lots of laughs every time it's worn.

The store is owned by Kyle Richards -- she of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" fame and it is located at 9647 Brighton Way in Beverly Hills. My current location, however, is the 52nd floor of the Encore hotel (hence the stylish artwork in the background).

ALSO:

Project Cubbins: Hat Four

Project Cubbins: Hat Three

Project Cubbins Hat Two

Project Cubbins: Hat Four

Day Four / Hat Four: SpiritHoods Brown Bear. The tag reads: "Brave . Curious . Playful  . Made in Los Angeles 2011-2012."

This was a Christmas gift from my sister-in-law (my wife's sister, not my brother's wife) and you can't really tell from the photo but it has a red and black buffalo plaid lining. You also can't tell that I'm wearing a Muppet T-shirt with Animal on it. I figured it fit the theme.

ALSO:
 Project Cubbins: Hat Three
Muppet SpiritHoods: Being green just got easier
Spirit hoods and Butterick pattrns inspire Shag's latest paintings

Project Cubbins: Hat Three

Day Three / Hat Three: A trucker style hat bearing the logo of the 2012 National Beard & Moustache Championships in Las Vegas on Nov. 11, 2012.

This hat was a memento from my stint as a judge at the third annual national facial hair face-off organized by Beard Team USA.

Did you know that trucker caps were one called (and may still be in some places) "seed caps"? That's because apparently the mesh back/foam front caps were once the kind of freebie given to farmers as promotions by seed companies.

ALSO:
Project Cubbins: Hat Two
Jack Passion leads with his beard
California cleans up at national facial hair face-off

Project Cubbins: Hat Two

Day Two / Hat Two: According to my research on the interwebs, this is what's known as a Tyrolean hat (Vagabond Style). I suppose there are Tyrolean hobos ambling the Alps and if they were forced to make their own headgear, it might well look something like this. But, if you ask me it looks more like something a rural Vermont warlock might wear (here I'm thinking more Rutland and north warlocks).

This hat was a free "gift with purchase" (the purchase was a T-shirt) from the Bavarian Village in Hyde Park's Winter Wonderland during a whirlwind, year-end trip to the U.K. after Christmas and was purchased (um, gifted) around December 30, 2012.

ALSO:

That cat sure had hats

Return of the broad-brimmed hat

Project Cubbins: Day One / Hat One

Cedric the Entertainer throws his hat in the ring

.

Project Cubbins: Hat One

In honor of the 75th anniversary of the publication of  Dr. Seuss' second book "The 500 Hats of Bartholemew Cubbins" (which, as you can read in the link below, played a pivotal role in my own fascination with headgear), I've decided to try and challenge myself to 500 different hats over 500 days. 

Hat One is a straw Scala hat purchased at the Carmel Hat Company on the occasion of a friend's wedding 

and accessorized with Orvis fly-fishing flies. 

RELATED: 

Rehab a damaged men's hat with fly-fishing flies

The fantastical hats of Dr. Seuss set to land at Laguna Beach

The hierarchy of hats: A Q-and-A with "The Adjustment Bureau" costume designer

Top 10 Hints Your Girlfriend Might Not Be Real

If there's any lesson to be learned from the currently unfolding Manti Te'o fake girlfriend drama, it's the realization that the woman you're dating might not really exist.

As a public service, are are 10 clues that she is not exactly being on the up-and-up:

1) She has never once borrowed your football jersey to wear around the sorority house.

2) Tends to agree with everything you say. Everything.

3) You can stay out with the guys as late as you want -- and no nagging!

4) She doesn't care if you ever put a ring on it.

5) Your family really adores her.

6) Going out to dinner for Valentine's Day is "no big deal."

7) She can't remember her birthday either.

8) Has never once interrupted one of your stories.

9) Doesn't get angry no matter how often you text her from Hooters.

10) She is suspiciously quiet when you accuse her of being "totally fake."

If there's any other suspicious fake-girlfriend behavior the world should be ware of, feel free to post it in the comments.

-- Adam

The Whiteboard Chronicles: More Funny Band Names

 

Remember SCTV's "Chariots of Eggs"?

Does anyone remember SCTV's hilarious parody of "Chariots of Fire" called "Chariots of Eggs"? The sketch starred Daryl Hall and John Oates in an old-timey foot race (accompanied by the requisite soaring Vangelis soundtrack) competing against Andrea Martin and Catherine O'Hara -- in an egg-and-spoon race.

It popped into my head while compiling this morning's All the Rage Fashion News report and ran across the fact that the egg cups are among the Olympic-themed merchandise being offered at the 2012 London games.

Wouldn't you know, the sketch is still alive out there on the interwebs, so I've embedded it above for your viewing pleasure.

-- Adam

"Real Vermonters" via a 1985 article in the L.A. Times

Searching for "Vermonters in Los Angeles" this morning, I ran across an April 21, 1985, Los Angeles Times article titled "Content Vermonters Keep Clock Turned Back," written by Charles Hillinger. It begins this way:


EAST BURKE, Vt. — It was a cold, snowy, mid-April Saturday morning and the three-story, yellow, weathered, century-old East Burke General Store was stirring with activity.


Dairy farmers, maple syrup makers, old timers and others were buying groceries, picking up mail at the back-of-the-store post office, exchanging greetings and the latest tidbits about local happenings.


You can read the article in its entirety here, but those two paragraphs describe just about the scene at my folks Wayside Country Store when I was there earlier this month for some down time (minus the post office part -- since the 05250 has a genuine, freestanding P.O. all its own.)


-- Adam

Pantone, Watch Your Back: A Colorful Look at UVM

This clever piece, which appears at the end of the Summer 2012 issue of Vermont Quarterly, the University of Vermont's alumni magazine, captures some of UVM's colorful nature in a series of paint chips. Some are obvious ("October," "Puck") and some can only be appreciated by those who have spent a good deal of time there ("Nectar's Fry," "Flying Diaper").

In honor of my etymology professor, Robin Schlunk, a free half point goes to the first person who can explain "Flying Diaper."

-- Adam 

That There is a Hinker, My Friend

My sister and I discovered another one of Doc Maxwell's many skills quite unexpectedly one day as we were strolling through the Sandgate woods with him, not far from his hunting cabin.


While we were shuffling along the logging/hunting trail,Doc suddenly pointed to a birch tree where a black, cat-like creature stood stock-still on a horizontal branch, its tail straight up in the air behind it like a radio antenna.

"It's a hinker," Doc whispered.

My sister and I looked at him quizzically -- then at each other conspiratorially -- as if we were suddenly being let in on some huge secret, privy to the existence of some rare heretofore uncataloged species -- then back up at the hinker with a sense of child-like wonderment.

"What's a hinker?" One of us asked (I don't recall which one of us finally spoke.).

The frozen hinker, whatever it was about to be,  just stared back at us, with its wide, unblinking eyes and, its ferocious mouth agape mid-hiss.

Sue and I watched as Doc crept slowly around the base of the birch tree until he was positioned directly behind the mysterious hell cat, and we did the same when he beckoned us to follow.

Once we were all congregated aft of the beast, which despite the commotion, hadn't moved so much as a muscle, Doc pointed at its back end, to a bright white dot about the size of a dime right at the base of the hinker's antenna tail.

"A hinker," Doc said matter-factly (to two kids who couldn't have been more than 9 and 11 years old if that), "is a black bobcat with a white touchhole." He punctuated this odd zoology lesson by unleashing an explosive noise somewhere between "whoop whoop" war cry and blood-curdling scream. It was so loud and unexpected, it sent Sue and I scrambling for the bushes.


It didn't seem to faze the treed critter a whit.

That's how we came to find out that Doc had a skill - or a friend with a skill - for taxidermy. The hinker had been some other unfortunate woodland animal before he was stuffed and mounted along the trail, with the ultimate posthumous indignity of having its asshole daubed with white paint to create the illusion of some bizarre chimera.


[Note: In consulting the aformentioned sister about the event, she seems to think the hinker wasn't taxidermied at all, but that the poor bastard was merely nailed to the tree in a state of rigor mortis. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Either way it's a weird growing-up experience.]

The Whiteboard Chronicles: Mythical Fonts

Yes, it's been a long time between whiteboarding, but the results are well worth it. The latest edition of the Whiteboard Chronicles combines two of this Riff's favorite things -- typefaces and crowd-sourced humor -- in a category called: "Fonts We Never Knew Existed."

My favorites? "Torino Grand" and "Callista Narrow" -- and no, neither of them were my contributions.

The Whiteboard Chronicles: Dead & Gone

Once you've shuttled off this mortal coil, in what way would you like your name to live on? I always thought I'd be honored to have a library named after me - -what better way to immortalize a name with silent "T" than by affixing it to a place where you're supposed to be silent?

I recently put this version of the question up on the office whiteboard: "When I'm dead and gone, I'd love to have ________ named after me." The results -- all of them hilarious -- can be seen above.

Among my favorites are "a Photoshop filler," and "a form of revenge," and "the embarrassing way I died."

A Remembrance of Pranks Past

I don't "do" April Fools' Day pranks any more -- for a variety of reasons -- one of them being that, as Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) told me during an April 1st visit to his prison-themed home on the outskirts of Las Vegas for a 2004 Los Angeles Times story: "It's for amateurs."

But I recently ran across a guest column I had penned for my hometown newspaper (I'm not sure of the exact year, but my best guess is 1993), and thought it would be a good way to fondly look back at my pranking past. And don't worry about the tiny type -- you can click on it to make it larger.)

Some things never change, and I fully expect at least one family member back east to try something.

Only this time it won't be on the phone -- it'll be a Facebook post.

- Adam

"Practically foolproof," was originally published in the Bennington Banner, April 1, 1993.

Food for Thought: What Will They Eat at Your Funeral?

Tom Junod wrote a thought-provoking article in the March 2011 issue of Esquire magazine titled "The Last Supper: A Few Thoughts on What They'll Eat When You Die." Thought-provoking to me, anyway, as a lover of food.

I didn't find an on-line version of the piece to link to (it's worth the cover piece for this article alone, though) but in the article he riffs on the notion of Funeral Food (and yes, I concur that it deserves initial caps) about which he says: "Indeed there is an inevitability about Funeral Food that completes the inevitability of the funeral itself. You can't get away from it, any more than you can get away with it, and if you do, you end up displaced -- deracinated -- at the very moment you are said to have 'come home.'"

First, mad props to TJ for the use of "deracinated," second, it got me wondering what people might be serving up -- and scarfing down -- after I've shuffled off this mortal coil. I don't think of it as macabre, but strangely comforting, to think not of the foodstuffs that define you (that's easy: jambalaya and cheeseburgers come to mind) but that are the reflexive comfort food of your tribe upon your passing.

Whatever it turns out to be, part of me hopes it ends up tasting just a bit funny.

-- Adam

Photo: Pineapple upside-down "cakelets." Credit: Adam Tschorn, 2010

The Whiteboard Chronicles: Santa's Lesser-Known Reindeer

The Whiteboard Chronicles: "Blank is the new Blank " Edition

The Whiteboard Chronicles - Chicken Edition

The Whiteboard Chronicles Part Deux

As the sign says, more awkward, strange, fictitious band names for your enjoyment. Who wants a double bill of Foster Wife and The Vast Deference?
-- Riff

The Whiteboard Chronicles

Welcome to the White Board Chronicles. This is a crowd-sourced list of funny (and we believe fictitious) band names. Feel free to pick a favorite. And if we see Uncle Dad's Tween Jug Band opening for Chronic Impact! The White Board's birth family will be honored.
-- Riff

Buying the Blogger

I thought this recent article in the NY Times about product placement (and disclosure thereof) in blogs was interesting. And, for the record, no one's even tried to buy off the Riff even once -- not even the makers of that really cool vodka mentioned in the article.

Now In Blogs, Product Placement, by J. David Goodman

My Personal Shout Out from Old Spice's Man on the Horse, Isaiah Mustafa

Read the full story behind it by clicking here.

The Proper Care & Feeding of Struthio Camelus

Adam in Ostrich Land from Thleen Things on Vimeo.

A Shout-Out From Schott's

Never beyond a bit of shameless self promotion, the Riff's piece about banning the "man-" prefix got a kind mention at Schott's Vocab blog at the NYT.

Tip Box: Why Is My JPG Smurf Blue?

If you're a hardworking slinger of inker and pusher of pixels in this day and age, you may have had to rely on the handout art of others to make that blog post work. And, upon trying to open said jpeg, it may have opened with an unexpected blue cast to it.

I won't get into what causes it (because I don't know, except that it has to do with file size), but here's the quickest fix I've found:

1) Open the photo using Microsoft Office Picture Manager.

2) Go to the Picture drop-down menu, choose Compress Pictures (on mine it's the very last choice).

3) On the right-hand side, click the Web pages radio button (second from the bottom choice).

4) Just above the OK button, you should see an estimated file size, indicating it's been compressed from something ginormous to something less so. Click the OK button.

5) Save the file (I always choose "Save As" so the original file is preserved -- just as a safety precaution).

And there you have it. Your picture as pretty as a ... picture.

-- Adam

Font Fashion. Politics Edition

Former HP CEO Carly Fiorina uses the distinctive Futura light typeface in her "Carly" logo. HP's "one voice" branding strategy, circa 2008, was to exclusively use ... HP Futura light. Just thought it was interesting, that's all.
-- Adam
Carly Fiorina's Futura's so light, she's gotta wear shades (Los Angeles Times)

Facebook is a Vodka Cranberry, Twitter is Cocaine

Just stumbled across this hilarious comparison between Internet networking sites and various drugs, by Patrick Moberg. My favorite: "Myspace is huffing spray paint: Destroys any chance of looking credible. You will be perceived as having the mindset of a middle schooler, and probably do."
-- Adam

NSFW T-shirts from the 2010 Beard & Moustache Championships

I'm just back from a whirlwind 19 hours in Bend, Ore., where I was covering the first-ever nationwide beard and mustache championships, and among the local color that gathered for the event were folks decked out in all manner of follicularly focused T-shirts. Two of the not-safe-for-work variety appear at right. Note that these two people weren't at the vent together, mind you, but I'm sure if they met they'd find out they had a lot in common.
-- Adam
Photo credit: Copyright 2010 Adam Tschorn.

Mom and Pop Riff Star in Local Bank Ad

"Star Wars" Pancake Molds at Williams-Sonoma

Eat you with maple syrup, I will.

Feline Cuteness Alert!

Kneady Cats: Toast and Gracie from Adam Tschorn on Vimeo.

Meet Redheaded She Clown "Tomato McGrand"

Just ran across the video below. Apparently (and I haven't even attempted to verify the veracity of it) it's from a Japanese ad for a McDonald's burger called the "Tomato McGrand."

I've decided to call her Tomato McGrand and I imagine she's got a boyfriend named Big Max. Somehow I don't think she got that body eating hamburgers and fries.

Burger King's Quad Stacker

Yeah, I'm "researching a story" -- I think the "quad" stands for quadruple - as in bypass.
And I'm probably the only guy on the planet who can order one of those meat beasts AND a Diet Coke and keep a straight face ...

Hey, You Got Your Bacon in my Chocolate!

OK, so I haven't exactly been Riffing up a storm here the last few months, but that's because I've been, well, if not busy, at least distracted. But, while enjoying a Valentine's Day lunch with Mrs. Riff at Bergdorf Goodman, something caught my attention: Mo's Bacon Bar from Vosges Haut Chocolat. That's right -- a chocolate bar using 45% cacao, crumbly bits of applewood smoked bacon and sprinkled with just the right amount of alderwood smoked salt.
The back of the $8 candy bar's box reads like Padma-worthy food porn: "From there it was just a matter of time .. and what began as a love of salt and sweet quickly unraveled into an obsession. No longer could I wait to unveil the royal coupling in solid bar form ... ." Well, you get the picture.
We bought the bar on Saturday but I didn't get a chance to snap into it last night -- and it was fantastic. The bacon flavor takes a back seat to the chocolate and the salt seems to draw the two major flavors together.
My only question is why did it take so long for someone to meld those flavors together?
Imagine how different the candy world would be if dairy farmer Harry Reese had looked at a couple of those pigs on his farm and said "to heck with the peanut butter, I'm putting some of THAT in my chocolate!"
Reese's Bacon Butter Cups?
A guy can dream.

Excerpts from E-mails We've Actually Sent

"I take all those pruned words and put them in a compost heap near my desk. So far I've grown three sonnets, a couple of haikus and a treatise on margarine." 1/18/09

No Tiki Bars? We'll Always Have Frankie's!

As a recently baptized (in a rum-based holy water) tikiphile, I've made it my mission to hit as many tiki bars in as many places as possible. I was excited at the prospect of checking out how the Polynesian pops on this side of the Atlantic since I'm in Milan and Paris for business.
I shouldn't have been.
According to Critiki, both cities are a barren wasteland devoid of my preferred brand of kitsch, and Critiki's creator Humuhumu even asks "Where's the Tiki in France" in her blog -- two years ago.
Which means I'll need to cowboy up and live off the memories of my last great tiki experience -- a trip to Frankie's Tiki Room in Las Vegas.
What's not to like about an off-the-Strip, authentically outfitted tiki bar open 24 hours a day? Especially one that serves a drink called the Tiki Bandit in a mug (from Tiki Farm) in the shape of a one-armed bandit?
I actually opted out of that one on favor of a Thurston Howl -- described thusly: "a powerful explosion of rum, brandy, gin and Pernod. A couple of these and Lovely Howell will look like Ginger Grant." (Who doesn't love a booze-related "Gilligan's Island" reference?)
The mug it was served in was a tiki with red dice for eyes -- similar to the one gracing the entrance. It kind of reminds me of the way I feel after a night in Vegas. (My own Ginger Grant brought home the Bearded Clam mug, realizing only later the situation it depicted involving a decidedly NSFW hula girl).
But, until I get back "in country" I'll have have to live off those Sin City memories.
Frankie's Tiki Room, 712 W. Charleston, Las Vegas (702) 385-3110.

Adam Talks About New Year's Eve on the Radio

Shameless self-promotion of the day: In the waning hours of 2008 I was on ABC radio discussing my recent Los Angeles Times article about why so many people have a hard time having a good time on New Year's Eve.
I held off ripping the lid off, hopped on the phone in the middle of our raging house party and chatted with host Curtis Sliwa for about 12 minutes and change. Below is a link to mp3. Personally I think it's worth it for the Bernie Sanders impression alone.
audio.mp3

Berry Happy!

Stopping by the Larchmont Bean this morning to meet a publicist, I was surprised to find that Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has listened to the demands of the people and brought back our beloved Swedish Berries tea. It had been retired from packaged sales earlier this year, shortly after I'd honed my iced tea making skills, but curiously was still being sold as a prepared beverage.
This caused great sadness in my Bean-centric extended family and we were forced to scour the countryside looking for any last remaining cache.
Out of habit, I asked my barista who obligingly pointed to the top shelf behind me. She said customer clamor led to the return.
To all those who let their discontent be known, I salute you!

Shake and Bake Tuesday

Apparently the pot-smoking pineapple billboards weren't the end of the viral marketing campaign advertising the new stoner buddy flick "The Pineapple Express." At approximately 11:42 a.m. Tuesday morning, a 5.8 earthquake centered in Chino Hills, Calif., shook the West Coast and was reportedly felt as far away as San Francisco and Las Vegas.
Moments after the temblor, Sony Pictures issued a press release claiming credit for the quake as part of the viral marketing campaign for the movie, the highest budget pot film ever made. "Yes, it was us. We thought a 'shake and bake Tuesday' would be the perfect way to highlight our new movie," said Danny Greenbud, director of marketing for the film. "Which, by the way comes out tomorrow night!"
Greenbud said the studio had initially wanted to unleash the shaker at 4:20 p.m. today. "That really would have blown a few minds," he said with a chuckle and long, slow exhale.
Plans were changed at the last minute, he said, when the USGS cautioned that freeways would be most congested at that hour.
"You win some, you lose some," Greenbud said with a shrug. "But look at it this way -- now you've got the rest of the day to get your head straight. And if you think that was an earthquake, wait 'til you see Seth Rogen and James Franco at your local theater."

Producers of "Tropic Thunder" couldn't be reached for comment that they were similarly planning a monsoon to heighten awareness for their movie, which hits theaters a week after "Pineapple."

Waves of Words

This is new to the Riff -- my navel-gazing 'bot at Google Alerts tipped me off to a poem posted on the Internet that was inspired by my recent LA Lookback in the Image section.
The Riff was apparently a poet and didn't even know it -- for reals.

Riff's Guest Rage

In case you missed the Riff's guest-spot on his favorite co-worker blog back in June, here's a link.

Tippin' a 40 of Maalox

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that "Golden Girls" actress Estelle Getty has shuffled off to the great communal living facility in the sky. Too bad, she was always the Riff's favorite "Golden Girl," because she didn't mind playing the old dingbat mother of a husky woman two month her senior.
You might say her passing has left us a bit "Maude-lin."

Salmonella Is So Hot Right Now!

Put down the pepper and step away from the salsa. Apparently all this tomato-bashing has been for naught. My blog-in-law (if I just coined that term, I want royalties) sends word that the FDA has traced the recent salmonella outbreak to jalapeño peppers.
This is sad since the pepper in all its sweat-inducing varieties is practically the Riff's national food, but the Riff is also a borderline psychotic optimist so how about weaponizing some of the hot badness into a pepper spray?
Would you mess with someone in a dark alley if you thought that you'd end up with stinging eyes, burning skin AND a three-week bout of possibly deadly intestinal distress?

What, No "The Bitch is Blackberry"?

My former employer at the Manchester, Vt., Ben & Jerry's scoop shop (let's just call him "Dr. J") sent along news that in honor of Elton John's first concert in the Green Mountain State (apparently Captain Fantastic has performed in all other 49), Ben & Jerry's has created a limited edition flavor called, wait for it, "Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road."
Kudos Ben, and hats off to you Jerry, but that's kind of phoning it in, don't you think? I mean, this is the company that's given us flavors like Ethan Almond, Cherry Garcia and Vermonty Python. I came up with a few alternatives riffing my way home from work today. Among them:

"I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Bluesberry"

"Caramel In the Wind"

"Hakuna Malt-ata"

"Bennie and the Jet-Puffed"

"Cookie Dough-n’t Go Breaking My Heart"

Got any suggestions? Feel Free to post ''em.

Killer Hat?

The Los Angeles Times recently reported a teenager in Georgia was decapitated by a Six Flags amusement park ride after leaping a fence into a restricted area. While no one knows what motivated the fellow, witness apparently reported he went in pursuit of a hat that had fallen off.
While the Riff is truly saddened by the death of any teenager, he can 't help but wonder WHAT KIND OF HAT WAS IT?
We're putting even money on the hot hat of the moment -- the stingy brim fedora.

As Smart as a Horse's Patoot!

If there's one thing I love it's trivia. If there are two things I love, it's trivia and calling someone an ass who sorely deserves it. My friend Jimmy Clothespin (his name has been changed to protect his family) knows this, which is why I received the following missive:

"I don’t usually forward shit like this but I thought you would enjoy.:
__________________________________________________________

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will
depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines
were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
th a t's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building
wagons, which used that wheel spacing .

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they
tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of
the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of
the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long
distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads
have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts,
which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon
wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all
alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States
standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inc he s is derived from the
original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies
live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/Procedure/Process and
wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate
the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to
the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These
are solid rocket boosters, or SRB' s. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at
their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's h ad to be shipped by
train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the
factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's
had to fit through that tun nel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's
ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...
and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

________________________________________

It sounds perfect, doesn't it? I checked out my favorite debunking site snopes.com which calls it "false" -- but goes on to say it's kinda/sorta true in a commonsense sort of way. See the full discussion here. All in all a good read and a fun story. Too fun to keep to myself.

Sad Trippin': LSD Inventor Gone to the Great Dead Show in the Sky

Dr. Albert Hoffman, the Swiss chemist who first synthesized lysergic acid diethylamide (also known as Sid, Lucy, sunshine, boomer, blotter, windowpane, sugar lumps, microdot, tabs, trips and mind douche) shuffled off to the great gig in the sky yesterday.
Hoffman passed away at the age of 102, the result of a heart attack suffered at his hilltop home near Basel Switzerland.
In addition to his wife, Anita; two daughters, a son, eight grandchildren and six great-grandchildren, Hoffman is survived by several Beatles albums, the rock opera "Tommy," a man in a bunny suit who follows me around and a tidal wave of squirrels fed by the 12 tiny paratroopers living in a Doc Marten boot under my bed.
In lieu of flowers, the Hoffman family respectfully asks for you to chew the corner off his obituary notice and take a long bike ride.

Pretty Fly Idea ...

How can the image of a common housefly improve your skills at the urinal? I found out the surprising (well, not so surprising if you understand the mind of the average XY chromosome) answer on my way in to work today -- on NPR's "Day to Day" of all places.
Economist Richard Thaler was on, discussing the new book he co-authored with Cass Sunstein titled: Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness.
It was a fascinating discussion of "choice architecture" and "libertarian paternalism" that left me with the feeling that mirrors in fast food restaurants wouldn't be such a bad idea. Here's the link -- audio should be posted later in the day.

Shamal, Harmattan and Reshabar -- Sons of Noah?

Actually they're all different types of wind. The Riff was trying to gin up an appropriately breezy sidekick name for his superhero alter-ego (The Tschornado) and got thinking about his childhood in JISP ski program when he used to pass Mistral's at Toll Gate on the way to Bromley Mountain every Wednesday. Odd name for a place on the side of a Vermont ski mountain, but it's stuck with me all these years.
One thing led to another and this informative link was found. So if you don't know your Tramonta from your Vendavales, that's a good place to start.
The Riff's only complaint?
No mention of the blustery Santa Anas.

Would Twins With Mono ...

Technically be "stereo"? Just wondering ...

That's NOT What "Birdie" Usually Means ...

Pro golfer Tripp Isenhour is reportedly facing charges for hitting a hawk with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show.
The estate of Humphrey Bogart expressed relief at the news, as Isenhour has a tendency to shoot Bogey on that hole.

The Great-Grand Canyon?

Recent reports peg the Grand Canyon at about 10 million years older than previously thought. The mistake, attributed to a faked Arizona driver's license, was discovered when the vast, expansive geologic formation, which purported to be "6 million if an eon," was noticed eroding on federal land. After routine carbon dating, the awe-inspiring chasm was found to be closer to 17 million years of age.
The gorge, which was released on its own recognizance, promptly exposed a calcite deposit to a family of passing tourists.

Patrick Swayze NOT Auditioning For "Ghost II"

Despite the recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer; the star of "Dirty Dancing," "Road House" and "To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar says he has no intention of reprising his Saturn Award nominated role as a lovelorn spirit from the great beyond anytime soon, thereby ensuring that the romantic aspects of the country's pottery kilns will remain hidden from yet another generation.

So THAT'S an Eye Tooth!

DUBLIN (AFP) - An Irishman blinded by an explosion two years ago has had his sight restored after doctors inserted his son's tooth in his eye, according to this report.
Next up is an experiment implanting extracted wisdom teeth in the brains of U.S. politicians.

Happy Valentine's Day

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Bet They Kick Ass at Wii's "Sports Pack"

Pro golfer Greg Norman and tennis legend Chris Evert to marry. The couple appears to be registered at the local Sports Chalet. Even money he buys her a tennis bracelet.

My Acute Myocardial Infarction

What is a "heart attack," Alex?