So Now We Know It's Actually Pronounced "Melibu"

Mel Gibson's DUI arrest early Friday morning, chronicled in depth by TMZ.com, revealed that the coastal enclave of Malibu, Calif., is actually the personal property of the "Braveheart" director.
The "Tequila Sunrise" actor was stopped early in the morning for speeding through Malibu with a bottle of tequila in the car and a BAC of .12. In short, the star of "Man Without a Face" was faced.
In his report, arresting officer, L.A. County Sheriff's Deputy James Mee smelled alcohol in the car state, in part, "Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he 'owns Malibu' and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me." He also said the "Chicken Run" voice-over star attempted to flee back to his car during the arrest.
We eagerly await a settlement between the deputy and the "Payback" star, most likely in the form of a bio-pic of the officer (we can only hope for something along the lines of "Stand By Mee").

Bible's Lost "Book of Peat" Discovered in Irish Bog

By Pete Boggs
Connemara, Ireland — An ancient book of psalms was found buried in a peat bog in Ireland it was reported yesterday. Believed to have been written by monks between 800 and 1,000 A.D., the discovery was made by an American tourist obsessed with Ireland's traditional harvesting of peat for fuel. Adam Tschorn, visiting Ireland for a wedding, discovered the leather-bound vellum book after bounding into a bog and grabbing two handfuls of drying peat for a photo op.
"There I was -- outstanding in my field as usual," joked Tschorn, "when all of a sudden I felt something in my right hand." Tschorn said he took the discovery as a sign from God whom he had suspected for months had been trying to send him a message. "I guess if the man upstairs wants to get your attention he can bury a book in a bog and wait for you to stumble across it." Tschorn said he would change his life as a result of the discovery, vowing to do "um, you know, something meaningful like write a book or a screenplay or learn to play the cello."

Richard Hatch to Star in "Survivor: Oklahoma City"

HOLLYWOOD — Richard Hatch, known to scores of TV viewers as "the fat, naked guy" who won the first season of "Survivor" is headed to the slammer according to Associated Press reports. The Newport, R.I. resident will serve a 51-month term at the Federal Transfer Center in Oklahoma City for lying in court about income he won from the show.
According to sources, the wily and resourceful reality-show contestant is looking forward to his first immunity challenge -- the cellblock wedding to "Frida" -- a three-time lifer with a penchant for Pall Malls.
The season will begin taping for a dual run on CBS and Court TV channel as soon as "Survivor" host Jeff Probst can get arrested in this town. -- A.T.

I'll Have a Fat-Frehley Latte and a Gene Cinnamons Bun

Face-paint-wearing 70's rock quartet KISS opened a coffee shop in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, on Wednesday, and told the approximately 2,000 fans gathered at the Kiss Cafe plans were underway for additional doors across the country.
The menu offers drinks with names like Kiss Frozen Rockuccino, French Kiss Vanilla and Demon Dark Roast. Baristas will reportedly be kitted out in full KISS Army regalia and makeup allowing them to work in virtual anonymity and afford customers the unique exeperience of getting their first cup of coffee of the day from either a demon, a starchild, a spaceman, or a cat.
No word if beverages will be served "Hotter Than Hell" in honor of the band's 1974 sophomore album.

Playing in the NBA No Longer Requires Leather Balls

Reuters reports that the National Basketball Association his foregoing the traditional eight-panel leather ball in favor of a "proprietary microfiber material" that will allow a better grip and the quicker evaporation of sweat. The ball will be made by Russell Corporation's Spalding division.
In related news, Shelton, Conn.-based Wiffle Ball Inc. has announced it will no longer use the skin of the endangered Madagascan wiffle as the covering on its popular wiffle ball, switching to a white plastic material that will be, in the words of a company spokesman, "virtually identical."

Arizona to Vote on Official State Language

The Associated Press reports that Arizona lawmakers are currently considering legislation that would establish English as the "official" state language. It continues a proud tradition of such designations that include the bolo tie (the official state neckwear), petrified wood (the official state fossil) the bigot (the official state mammal) and xenophobia (the official state fear).
No word yet on what the state plans to do about the name "Arizona" itself which historians and etymologists say is most likely derived from one of three foreign tongues — the Aztec Indian "arizuma" (silver-bearing"), the Tohono O'odham Indian "aleh-zone" (small spring") or Pima "ali shonak" (which also means "small spring").

Would You Rather Go to War or Church?

The same day the Episcopal Church rejected a ban on the ordination of gay bishops, it was revealed that the Pentagon continues to classify homosexuality as a mental disorder.

Drug Users Warned of Tainted Heroin

According to this breaking news from Reuters, sticking a syringe full of China White into your forearm can apparently kill you. Good to know. I'm sure junkies around the globe will hold off until they can get their mitts on some clean dope.

Don't Get Grumpy

Lance Armstrong Wants Doping Chief Fired
President Bush reportedly upset at cyclist until Cheney explains the difference between “doping” and “dopey.”

PETA Mulls McDonald's Buy

In a new twist on corporate synergy, Nestle to buy Jenny Craig for $600 million . That's really closing the loop now, isn't it? Isn't that a little like owning stock in both Ben & Jerry's and Slim-Fast? General Motors buying up L.A.'s mass transit system?

Is Namibia the New Cedars-Sinai?

On the wires today: Britney Spears May Have Second Baby in Namibia

Beer Helps Fight Prostate Cancer

It was reported today on Yahoo! News that an ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer. The article notes "the ingredient is present in such small amounts that a person would have to drink more than 17 beers to benefit."

Sounds like a health regimen I can stick with.

Six of Seven Dwarfs File Paternity Suit Against Larry King

(AP) New research has found that as men age, the quality of their sperm deteriorates, making it more likely they will have trouble becoming fathers and increasing the possibility of having a child with dwarfism.

Climate Change, Not Humans, Killed Wooly Mammoths

After an apparent mix-up in identification by key witnesses, mankind is released with an apology from authorities as an arrest warrant is issued for the rogue weather systems. "It blows hot and cold," LAPD Chief Bill Bratton said of the climate. "And officers should take every precaution. You never know which way the wind blows." He encouraged officers to dress in layers and bring a change of shoes when approaching the suspect.

Apple Swipes Fruit of Beatles Labor

A high-stakes legal tussle over trademarked fruit has ended in favor of Apple Computer Inc. A British judge ruled that the Cuperino, Calif.-based computer maker's use of the iconic rainbow-striped, one-bite-missing apple logo on its iTunes Music Store is in violation of a 1991 agreement with Apple Corps Ltd., the British concern responsible for the rights to the Beatles' music -- which uses a green and unbitten apple logo.
The case was decided on a highly technical issue that involved the intersection of trademark law and pomology according to British barrister Nial Cortland. "We horribly misunderestimated the American public's ability to distinguish between different apple varieties. Once Apple's expert explained that the fruit in their logo was a McIntosh -- which even the youngest school child in America can tell you has white, tender, crisp flesh that's highly aromatic, and full of juice and is the principal cider apple in the Northeast U.S. -- we knew we were in trouble."
The most damaging testimony came under cross-examination when former Beatle Ringo Starr, from the witness stand, was able to clearly distinguish between the two despite wearing dark sunglasses and appearing visibly impaired.
"It's a bloody Granny Smith," the drummer told the London High Court when shown Apple Corps' logo. "They're harvested a full month after the McIntosh for god's sake -- a tart but not sour apple that holds up well in cold storage." Starr then spent forty-five minutes tracing the cultivation history of the variety back to 1868 when it first sprouted from a pile of apples tossed on a southern Australian garbage heap by one Mrs. Smith.
Apple Computer's U.K. attorney, Sir Derek Newtown-Pippin, declined ot comment on the outcome beyond characterizing it as "plucking justly deserved fruits from the orchard of intellectual property."

Feel Free to Comment

I've just changed the settings so comments can be left without requiring a Blogger account.

Bill Gates Doesn't Want to Be World's Richest Man

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, whose personal fortune of nearly $50 billion makes him the wealthiest individual on the planet, recently told CNBC's Donny Deutsch he wished he wasn't the world's richest man.
In an unexpected ourpouring of support, individuals and groups from around the world have flooded the Redmond, Washington, offices of Microsoft with offers of support for the beleagured billionaire. Among them:

The Nigerian Business Roundtable whose letter read, in part, "your checking account number is required so that we may verify your complaint."

Anna Nicole Smith who called "just to say hey" and invite him out for pizza and a lap-dance "next time Melinda's out helping orphans or whatever."

The Coca-Cola Company which requested the funds so they could "finally buy the world a Coke."

Michael Jackson who, in exchange will give up some Beatles albums, a ranch outside of Santa Barbara and half interest in Tito.

37 Million Americans Living Below the Poverty Line who, in words you can't say on TV, said they wouldn't mind feeling his pain.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Vermont Beta Chapter, Burlington, Vt., which has pledged to use the funds to bolster the quality of its alcohol awareness program. "We'll start by producing a 30-minute three-camera video of Jenna Jameson doing beer bongs, followed by a nine-day, cocaine-fueled Jaegermeister and Schlitz bender," said chapter president Dane "the Dude" Mendoza. "At the end we'll be like -- hey kids don't do that. I think it might just work -- maybe not the first time but eventually. We won't know until we try."

Dame Edna Punches Papparazo

The Associated Press reports that 72-year-old actor Barry Humphries, better known as the Dame Edna Everage character he portrays, belted a freelance photographer outside a Sydney restaurant Wednesday.

According to the filed police report, no injuries were sustained as Humphries "hit like a girl."

A Bigger Bonk -- Stones Guitarist Falls From Tree

On vacation in Fiji, Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion after falling out of a palm tree he allegedly climbed in pursuit of coconuts.
Already accustomed to being out of his tree, Richards -- a cigarette still dangling from his lips -- continued to play "Jumpin' Jack Flash" according to witnesses at the scene.
In an unrelated story, a spider monkey has been arrrested for heroin possession after arriving at London's Heathrow Airport. Authorities discovered the illicit drugs after the monkey began flinging its feces at Stones frontman Mick Jagger while disembarking from an Air New Zealand flight.

Human Flesh Found in Indiana Burger

How long 'til they start with "TGI Fingers" jokes? Not long at all, not long at all.

Dining on Digits